How to: Break Up With Someone

Hey there, all you lovely people!  Did you miss me?  I missed you.  I’m sorry for my prolonged absence – sometimes life just does things, you know?

I promise I haven’t been completely ignoring you guys, and I really have been intending to write more posts.  In fact, I have one RIGHT NOW that took me a bit to get together.  It’s funny, a few days ago I got an email from a gentleman who ended up taking my advice, and now he’s unsure about whether the relationship he’s currently in is going to continue.  I want to make it very, VERY clear to this particular dude: this post is a coincidence and not necessarily the advice I’m giving you as per your question.  I need a bit to figure out what I would do and also to get more info.

Without further ado, here’s how to break up with someone!

Let’s get something out of the way right now.  Breakups suck.  There’s no good way to break up with someone, and in my own experience, at least one person ends up being really hurt.  They can be messy, and they can really ruin your day, but hopefully these tips will make it a little easier.

1. Be Direct!  Waffling can only confuse the issue.  If you’re gonna break up with someone, it needs to be a real breakup.  It needs to NOT be friends with benefits, or “close buddies” or “we can still be friends”, because odds are if you’re breaking up with someone, you don’t want to be their friends.

2. ABSOLUTELY NO POST-BREAKUP SEX.  Nothing about this scenario will be good, I promise you.  Post-breakup sex leads to confusion, and confusion leads to awkward situations where you’re not sure what your status might be.  Or, weirder, it leads to that gray area of “are we or aren’t we back together?”  None of these places, none of the confusion or anxiety about that confusion, makes it okay to boink your very VERY recent ex.

3. Stay strong!  You had a reason (or three) for this.  I’ve noticed that, by and large, people don’t want to be dumped.  It’s something about how rejection is awful and hurtful and blah blah blah.  When they’re put in this position, they are prone to doing dumb things, like promising you they’ll change, or that they want to “work this out”, or that they will get back together with you as long as there are other guidelines or rules.  Guidelines and rules in relationships are fine, but if you are setting out specific conditions for getting back with someone, things can get hairy.  They’re never conditions that stick.  That change they promise you isn’t change you can believe in (SORRY MR. PRESIDENT).  Sometimes, your douchey ex needs to stay your douchey ex.  You broke up with them because of something.  Stick to your guns.  Chances are you’ll be much better off for it.

I once dated a lady I thought was the shit, and we hit it off and were very clear that the relationship would be over when she moved away for school.  Well, that plan lasted a whole two weeks after she moved, and then we were long-distancing like it was our job.  That ended in lots of tears and her sleeping with several other people.  It isn’t exactly the fairy tale I envisioned, am I right? If I had stuck to the plan of “no it is totally over and that’s okay”, I would have avoided the ridiculous feelings I had after I learned she was cheating on me.  It’s okay to stay broken up with someone, no matter what they say to the contrary.

4. Be careful with your rebounding.  This might go without saying at this point, but do NOT try to have rebound sex with your ex.  Or any ex.  That shit is WEIRD and it can get really weird.  I don’t recommend it.

Sometimes rebounds can be good, but sometimes you can end up projecting feelings about needing to be with someone (like your recent ex), and then your rebound becomes more of a commitment than you were expecting (or maybe that’s just what I do, but whatever).  It’s okay to be wary of feelings with other people, as long as you remember that even the person you choose to rebound with deserves common decent respect.  Be clear with them about getting out of a relationship recently, I can almost guarantee it will prevent horrid awkwardness and uncomfortable conversations down the road.

4.5 Don’t feel you have to have a rebound.  There’s an odd expectation that getting out of a relationship means you get to run around and have tons of sex with other humans… And then reality happens and most of us don’t get to be that lucky (haha, pun intended).  Rebounds aren’t for everyone, and they’re certainly not something you should feel you have to do.  Nobody wrote that it was required for breakups, and look – I’m writing the exact opposite!  It’s okay to just take some time to yourself without running off to bang someone else.  Trust me on this one.

5. Take some time for you.  This is probably the thing I forget most after a breakup, because I’m usually very worried about what the other person is thinking or feeling or doing (or WHO that other person is feeling or doing, if you know what I mean), so I spend more time obsessing over that than taking care of myself in ways that work for me.  Give yourself room to mourn the loss of a relationship if you need it.  Go out with friends if you need it.  If it settles some part of your soul, go get wasted and sloppy-drunk and pass out on your own apartment kitchen floor.  These things are okay, because breakups suck.  Just try not to make the more self-destructive things super habitual, because that can get very dangerous.

You guys, breakups are the worst*.  There’s nothing fun about a breakup.  More often than not, there’s nothing good (at the moment of breakup) about your situation.  (*Notable exceptions include abusive or awful relationships, in those cases breakups are AWESOME).  There are things that make them easier, and things that make them harder.  In my own experience, doing the opposite of the things listed above make breakups harder.

I hope this helps, if this is what you need.  Be good to yourselves and each other, and keep being safe.


Email Question 2: Electric Boogaloo

I got another email question!  I’m totally not sure if it’s a troll email or not, but here it is, and here’s my answers.

 

Q: Okay so I’ve been great friends with this girl and she considers me as her best friend..
I fear if I’ve been friendzoned already for I have feelings for her..

She cares a lot about me..
I do care a lot about her..
The thing is I fear if I ask her out, it might spoil our friendship.
So please I need your help..
What to do?
A: First thing you do, emailer friend, is to never use the verb “friendzone” ever, EVER again.  Everything about that term implies that the only goal of being in any sort of relationship (including a friendship) with a woman is sex, and that makes you kind of a douche.
The second thing you do is go back and read this.  I think it will help.
The third thing you need to do is make a list, and on one side put all the great parts about being friends with this lady.  Do you do fun things together?  Can you talk about a ton of stuff?  Great!  Now, what’s the only thing you’re standing to gain from turning this friendship into something else?  If the only thing you can come up with is “sex”, then you need to decide if trying to get sex from this friend of yours is worth the potential spoiling of your friendship.  You also have to brace yourself for the mad amounts of awkward if that goes awry.
Please, don’t consider the only goal of being friends with a girl to eventually end up boning her.  That’s horrible and isn’t worth anyone’s time.  For real though, you don’t want to end up like that guy.  If you have genuine feelings for her you should tell her, but if all you think you want is the sex, don’t do it.

How to: Not Talk To Gay People About Sex

Do any of you have something that really just grinds your gears and gets you every time?  I happen to have a lot of them, and if I were to list them all it would require more time and dedication than I could ever hope to expect from any of you.  Consider this an act of mercy that I’m only focusing on one moderately upsetting thing for today.

I had this particular thing in mind for today, because it happened to me last night.  Sometimes being gay can really stink, and a lot of those times happen when you’re interacting with other (mostly heterosexual) people.  One of those interactions I despise is when someone decides it’s a good idea to ask The Question.  You’ve probably encountered it, either in a movie, with friends, hell – maybe you’ve even asked it yourself.  The Question is, for me, as follows: “What do 2 girls, like, DO, y’know… In bed?”

It’s almost always followed by lots of nervous giggling on the part of the asker.

There are a couple of responses that I use for this question, and the one I pick depends upon how well I know the person asking me, and how much I want them to not hate me.

In this case, I was at a bar, so I was able to be all, “I haven’t had enough tequila for this talk”, and that seemed to work pretty well.  (Other fun responses are things like, “Let’s go find out” and “Please shut your face”, but my favorite is, “Well that depends. Are we sleeping or fucking?”)
I’m not a particularly private person.  I’m loud, kind of annoying, and really obnoxious.  I’m outspoken about a great deal of things.  And yet, this one single question leaves me feeling utterly flabbergasted.  I really think this is a prime example of straight privilege, because nobody asks a straight couple what THEY do in bed, right?  Because everyone knows.  But apparently asking gay folks is not only a) super appropriate and acceptable but 2) going to give you an answer to apply to every gay person ever (because we’re all the same, duh!)

I was told that I handled the question like a champ, but I’m still really riled about it.  I also told the particular asker to check things out on the internet.  It’s a wonderful place and there are TONS and TONS and TONS (etc. etc. ad nauseum) of resources on how two ladies might get it on.  Betcha you’ll never guess what happened next.

“I FEEL DIRTY DOING THAT.”

But you feel perfectly alright asking someone you don’t know very well TO THEIR FACE about their sex life?

It would be completely different if this person were asking me about things to do to make one’s sex life more interesting.  I personally feel I have a lot of really brilliant sexytime ideas, and since I’m obnoxiously outspoken, I find very little shame in sharing them.  This, however, was a whole ‘nother scenario.

The moral of the story this week is pretty simple: don’t be an ass.  I don’t care if you’re drunk, I don’t care if you once asked a gay person in a pride parade and they answered.  I’m a different human being, and you should fucking respect that.

We’ll be back for regularly scheduled shenanigans later on.


How To: Survive The Friend Zone

Hey look, I’m not dead and I haven’t quit on you kids just yet!

I had to take some time to figure out what I should cover here and what sort of things would actually make a good blog post.  And now, here I am.

Today I want to talk about the friend zone.  It’s that magically awful place you get stuck in when the friend you like doesn’t want to take your relationship to that next level.  The friend zone is almost invariably the worst possible place to be, going from responses I got from friends and the representations that appear in mass media.

Let’s start with a definition.  A friend zone is what one is placed in when the object of their affections says, “No thanks, but we can still be friends”.  There’s really no easy way to be in the friend zone, and that seems to be the root of the problem with it.  It’s not easy so we don’t want to do it ever.  It would totally be way easier if that person who friend zoned us would just say “Okay” and date us, right?  More on that in a minute.

I don’t know a single person who enjoys being rejected.  This goes for my friends who are actors, even though they put themselves in that position an awful lot.  However, there is a difference between being rejected and being put in the friend zone.  Being rejected means being dumped, thrown away, told you’re not good enough at all for someone or something.

My friend Aim made a really good point – if someone puts you in the friend zone after an awkward advance, that means they want to stay friends.  And that means, by extension, that they value your friendship enough to endure the awkward post-advance times with you.  Isn’t that an important thing to talk about?

It’s important to remember that when you’re thinking, “UGH why won’t he (or she) just DATE ME ALREADY?”  Because friendship is a valuable thing.  Remember that time I talked about Nice Guy Syndrome?  Nobody owes you a sexy relationship.  Nobody even owes you friendship, which if you think about it that way, makes friendship seem that much more valuable.

A concept that seems to go hand-in-hand with being friend zoned is that of oneitis.  This is where all you can think, talk, write, or worry about is that one person.  It’s easily confused with love, and even though I’m supposed to be this big oracle on relationship things and love and advice, I’m not entirely clear what the boundaries are here.  I think that, if you aren’t having feelings reciprocated, you need to take a step back and seriously think about your life and choices with regard to that particular person.

Most romantic comedies fall into this trap of romanticizing oneitis and demonizing the friend zone.  It’s really not a healthy way to portray these things.  First of all, your feelings may not be returned for some very good reasons, and you should probably find a friend to tell you exactly why.  Second, out of the hundreds of thousands of people you see in a day, what makes that one person so special?  I’m not advocating writing out any sonnets Shakespeare-style, describing your supposed heart’s desire or anything.  However, I do recommend making a list of things you know about the person you want to get with, and making a list of things you like in a person.

This takes some serious honesty on your part.  Don’t gloss over any flaws to make the other person seem better.  They’re never going to see this list.  What are the things you don’t like in a potential partner?  Does this person have any of those qualities?

Curing oneitis and surviving the friend zone are two totally different things.  The good part is it’s possible, but the bad part is that they require a brutal level of honesty that can usually only come from a close friend.  In my experience, this gets dicey when the person friend zoning you (or who is the target of the oneitis) happens to be your best friend.  Your best bet is to get down and dirty with the honesty, talk it out, and then decide if your friendship is better than any potential romantic relationship.  With a little luck you’ll get through it.

 

Send any questions to gaygirladvice @ gmail.com, or find me on Twitter!  Thanks for reading


Self-Help Books Can Actually Be Helpful???

Okay I’m sorry, I didn’t fall off the planet, I’ve just been shirking my duty as your faithful advice blogger for… Well for long enough to risk falling off the planet, I suppose.  I haven’t really done much, apart from the usual going to the gym, going to work, and eating food routine that most people seem to have.  So exciting.

One thing I have done is finish reading a book.  An advice book, no less – something I normally avoid like a cat avoids water.

I’m not usually one for self-help books. I tend to find the advice therein trite, condescending, and in some cases enabling of the behaviors the person reading needs help with. Of course, when my mom handed me this book I went, “Yeah, sure, I’ll read this. Eventually.” Because my mother likes to hand out advice, wanted, warranted, or not, I really just rolled my eyes. And then my girlfriend read the book first. And then something ridiculous happened – she told me it was good. Not just good, but something that I should be reading.

Thus, I just finished reading, The Defining Decade by Dr. Meg Jay, PhD. The book is broken down into a few sections, on love, work, and being a grown-up. Really, the whole book centers on acting like an adult now instead of later, and getting your act together before you’re 30. There are a lot of examples that Dr. Jay uses to describe exactly what she’s getting at, whether it’s the twentysomething boy who was essentially homeless because he grew up in an unsettled divorced parenting situation, or the young Korean American woman who had grown up being teased for being different and a virgin in high school, so she never stopped to consider the sort of qualities she actually wanted in a partner – she just wanted to be wanted.

I wish I couldn’t identify so well with each of the people in this book. I’m way overeducated for my current job. I know this, and I know what I want to be doing, I just don’t know if I can actually put in the work to get there. I just keep assuming that everything will fall into place, because that’s what I’ve been taught to expect. I’ve also been hearing, “You’re young, this is what you’re supposed to do” an awful lot, too.

I think, contrary to popular belief, “YOLO” (you only live once) is part of this problem that leaves folks screwed over in their thirties. The twenties are apparently to be spent partying, traveling, working as a barista at Starbucks, and generally not giving a shit about the future because you’ll think about it “when you’re thirty” or “way later”…. Draw a timeline of how you want your life to go. If you have a picture like that, and “babies” and something like “medical school” are in the same place… You might have to reconsider what you’re doing.

What resonated most with me, for a silly reason, was the entire section on love. Every time my girlfriend and I have had problems of any sort, I have been advised by at least one person to break up with her and find someone else. I’m always told that I will have plenty of time to find my perfect someone, because my girlfriend and I are “so young” (I’m almost 24, for the record). I think getting together at a pretty young age, relatively speaking, is seen as a thing of the past. I have a friend who just got married, and she’s a couple years younger than I am. Do I think that’s too young? Maybe. I don’t know.

The point I’m trying (and failing) to make is that I feel really lucky in love. I don’t think I care if my perfect soul mate life partner match from heaven is out there in the world somewhere. There are another 7 billion people on this planet, of course. But, at this point, I think instead of stressing over whether or not my girlfriend and I are completely 100% totally perfect, I am going to focus on all the great things about being with her. At least in this respect, I feel like I have my shit together.

I wish I had an idea of what I want to be when I grow up. I wish I knew what I wanted to DO with my life. I want to do a million things, and I’m so afraid of all the possibilities that I don’t know where to start, and so I’m just paralyzed by all of them.

This paragraph I just wrote isn’t in the book, but there are a bunch like it. It makes me feel less bad, being as concerned as I am about my career future, because Facebook and the media seem to keep telling me that I should be gallivanting around Europe half-naked and fucking my way through hostels or something to that effect. Those same institutions tell me that I should drink more and do stupid shit because, after all, “you only live once”.

While that’s all probably a good time, I will take my amazing girlfriend, our tiny apartment, and a half-cooked plan for the rest of my life over drinks in an English pub any day. I may not know where I want to go, but I know who I want to get there with, and I really think that’s a big step in the right direction.

I’m not advocating for or against settling down at an earlier age, and I’m not even knocking working for Starbucks.  All I’m saying is that this book is pretty great, I recommend it, and I think we could all stand to get the ball rolling on the rest of our lives a little faster than age 30.

A little ambition never killed anyone.

…Right?


How to: Talk About Sex

Hey!  HEY YOU GUYS!  So remember that one time I wrote about kinks, and about how some people give crappy advice to people when they come up?

My girlfriend and I went out to eat the other day, and I picked up a copy of The Onion.  In the back, they run Dan Savage’s column, Savage Love, and  as I was reading this particular issue, I noticed that people seem to 1. have a disturbing love for this book, 50 Shades of Grey, and 2. apparently have no idea how to talk to partners about sex.  Savage’s response to one of these women actually made me pretty annoyed, and almost angry.

And then, as if things could not get any more timely, a close friend of mine said that he and his partner were having some issues in the bedroom.  I did the, “Well, did you talk about it?” line of questions, and he kept balking, talking about how he did not want to hurt his partner’s feelings, how he didn’t want to cause trouble in the relationship, blah blah et cetera.

Talking about sex is a lot like talking about kinks.  The biggest difference is that usually, sex is not quite so shame-ridden as kinks can be.  There’s a larger number of people having sex in general, versus however many people might share a kink.  With a difference in numbers and with “everybody doing it”, you’d think it would be a hell of a lot easier to talk to one’s partner about sexytimes, right?

Well…. No.  It’s not.  And it’s not easy because of the reasons my friend brought up.  Hurting someone’s feelings probably is going to make you less likely to get sex from them, at least in the immediate future.  This isn’t necessarily a fact, but if you make someone feel bad, like, say, where sexual prowess is concerned, it doesn’t seem likely that that person will turn around and go, “Okay well how about we fix that RIGHT NOW?!” (however if you do have a partner like that, you have won at life)

Telling someone they’re not doing sex with you right is really difficult.  There isn’t a way to sugarcoat it, but there are a few ways to make it less awful for everyone.  You can always go with the direct approach.  Being as straightforward as possible and saying, “Look, this is something I have noticed in the bedroom and here is how I want it to change, can we work something out?” leaves practically no room for losing.  A similar way of getting your point across is by, in the heat of the moment, saying something like, “Hey, you know what would be hot?  If we ___________”, and then you let them know what you want.  This works especially well if it’s asking for a tweak in a sexy routine, e.g. who gets to be on top?

Another thing that works pretty well is a nonverbal approach.  If it’s a matter of one partner not getting off (and this being a problem), take some more direct control, if you know what I’m saying.  Move the other person’s hand to where you want it, and see where things go.  If they don’t go the way you want, either try again or talk it out.

Now, these tactics are all contingent on one thing – your partner agreeing with your suggested change.  If this does not happen, then a few things need to happen: you have to figure out how important this change is to you, you have to be absolutely certain your partner understands this is an important thing, and/or you have to start reconsidering your relationship with this person.

But wait – why did I bring up Dan Savage?  Because his advice sucked.  And why did his advice suck?  Because, if you go and read the third letter of the link above, he suggested that a 43-year-old housewife use a time machine to solve her problems.  I know this has a little more to do with kinks and fetishes, but a lot of Savage’s advice to women seems to be to DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already), especially if they are writing to him about their sex lives.

This is kind of unacceptable.  It’s funny that he has no problem talking to some cops about semi-public (male) masturbation, but when a woman wants some advice on bringing her husband into her experiment with BDSM, he dropped the ball.  The answer is not to go back in time and not dump the weird kinky guy she may or may not have dated twenty years ago.  The answer is to talk it out.  Bring up reasons she wants to try it.  Say things about how hot BDSM might be, give the husband an out and say, “Let’s just try it a couple of times and see if we like it.”

The one thing I want you all to take away from this is to not be afraid.  The absolute worst-case scenario of getting dumped because you want to improve your sex life with that person probably will turn out to not be a worst-case scenario.  And who knows?  Your partner might even surprise you, agree, or say, “I’m SO glad you brought this up!  I was wondering about this!”

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex!!!!


Moving Update

Well hello there!  Remember how I was moving?  Well, I moved.  I’m actually technically not done moving, but that’s really just how I work.

All in all things went better than expected, but due to crap planning on my part we slept on the floor the first night.  Not so comfy.  The next day I went out and bought a queen mattress, and there have been vast improvements in a lot of departments.

I am also now the proud mother of ridiculously fast internet, which I’m pretty sure is totally worth it.  It’s so nice to be able to cruise Tumblr and have all those .gif images loaded and moving properly!

All this aside, I’m really happy.  I’m actually a lot happier than I thought I could be, given that my girlfriend and I have been together so long and we know each other… I didn’t expect this weird feeling of relief mixed with utter elation.  Plus it’s awesome – I can walk to my gym, or tell people I have to get back to my apartment instead of my parents’ house. It’s basically like I’m a real adult!

We’re also down the block from some AWESOME bars.  Hellooooo alcohol consumption!

My advice to you, if you’re on the fence about moving in with a long-term significant other, is to freaking do it.  And then go buy a big mattress.  You’ll thank me, really.

Apart from all of the above, I’ve got some great stuff planned for you guys later on this week – another awesome list, and then some other things.  WOO.


The Trouble With Being A “Nice Guy”

Hey y’all!  No attractive ladies this time, unless you count ME.  But for serious, this is gonna be a pretty intense post so STRAP ON YOUR SEATBELTS!

Someone I have been chatting with online has recently completely exemplified Nice Guy Syndrome.  What’s Nice Guy Syndrome, you ask?  It’s the affliction many young men seem to have, where apart from being a totally nice guy, the dude in question might be using nice guy tactics to gain something FROM whoever is the target of his niceness.

There are whole websites devoted to discussing the ins and outs of Nice Guy Syndrome, and this one in particular has a great definition all laid out…

The technical definition of the nice guy syndrome, simply states that this is a set of behaviors and characteristics that certain guys possess and perform. These include things such as: going out of your way to please people; overly focusing on giving other people what they want; offering unreciprocated favors and gifts; as well as avoiding confrontations and disagreement at all cost.

Now here’s the tricky part about Nice Guy Syndrome… If you’re using any of these tactics to move yourself out of The Friend Zone and into someone’s pants, you’re being a problem.  It’s not cool.  Stop it.

Back to my acquaintance – when discussing people in a position of authority, he declared all of the women to be horrible, harridan-like bitches, but most of the guys were more than fine.  He also fails to understand why essentially being a doormat doesn’t land him knee-deep in ladybits.  These two things are connected and I’m going to come back to this.

In checking out NGS on the internets, I discovered there’s an ENTIRE wiki for geeky feminism!  SO COOL!  But the best part is that they have a fabulous set of reasons why this is problematic for all involved parties.

The biggest issue is that Nice Guys see themselves as a gift to womankind, and get really resentful when women don’t view them similarly.  For instance, a guy stuck in the Friend Zone with a particular lady will end up resenting her for rejecting him, and she’ll have no idea why.  This won’t end well for anyone involved, and that’s crazy and sad.  What you have to remember, everyone, is that just because you aren’t boinking a friend doesn’t make the relationship with that person a complete failure, or any less special.  In fact, I really enjoy having friends without the awkward added pressure of sexytimes interfering.  Maybe that’s just me, but I really just like having good buddies I haven’t seen naked.

Here’s another important thing to remember: rejection happens to EVERYONE.  Literally.  At one point or another, people get turned down for a number of things, be it sex, a date, an audition, an application for a job, an apartment, or even if a stray cat won’t come near them.  This shit happens, and instead of blaming everything else, pick yourself up and move on.

Now, what do these things have to do with my Nice Guy acquaintance?  Here’s the thing: his resentment of some (or a couple) girls who have rejected his romantic advances has bled over and tainted his view of all womankind.  This is especially true for the women who have some sort of authority over him, which explains why he hates all his female bosses.  Long story short, he hates them because they’re extensions of people who won’t have sex with him.  With me so far?  Good.

Here comes the really REALLY important part.  What do you do if you think you might have some issues with Nice Guy Syndrome?

First, take a look at why you feel the way you feel about people around you.  Do you think, if you have friends you want to date, that whoever they’re dating is a douchebag?  Why?  Because they’re succeeding where you think you’re failing.

You might actually be a really, really nice dude, and that’s totally fine.  Actually, that’s more than fine – usually when you’re nice, people think you’re a good person.  Here’s the thing, though.  Other people are nice, too.  Other people are good people who feed strays and pick up litter and listen to female friends’ problems they’re having.  And you know what, they don’t get a medal for that, and they don’t feel they need one.  It’s a good feeling to be a good person, and usually that’s reward enough.

Step back, take a look at why you’re being good.  I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better about your life (and maybe even end up knee-deep in ladybits) if you start being a nice guy for the right reasons.


How to: Survive Valentine’s Day When Single

So… Tomorrow.  Oh, boy.

Tomorrow’s one of those days people have a LOT of feelings about.  It’s Valentine’s Day.  For me, I like the day because it has personal significance!  This was the first weekend my ladyfriend (the same one with whom I celebrated our 3rd anniversary not too long ago) came to visit me by herself and spent the weekend in my dorm room (MINDS.  OUT.  OF.  GUTTER.)

But for a lot of people, particularly single people, this is a day filled with sadness, resentment, wearing black and binging on chocolate and/or alcohol.

Just because I haven’t spent V-Day single in awhile doesn’t mean I don’t have some GREAT ideas for you non-romantically-connected folks!  Here we go!

First and foremost, treat yourself to something awesome.  Go to the movie none of your friends want to see, put your favorite record on and dance like a whacko, buy yourself some fancy chocolate or nice booze or even a new pair of pants!  When I am in need of cheering up and I have some space alone, I pull out my inner Sasha Fierce.

Oh yeah.  You know what this means.

If doing things solo that way makes you feel bad, you can always count on FMyLife to have the best and worst of humanity’s suffering.  It may not be a good day for you, but on that website, someone’s always got it worse.  If you don’t think so, you can always submit your own tale of woe, right?

Have a video game marathon if you’re one of those stereotypical single dudes (or ladies)!  Nobody’s around to tell you to stop playing and pay attention or do whatever, so go for it!  If you have an important thing to do, try not to forget it, but really, what’s the harm in killing some zombies or driving a car that you stole (IN A GAME)?

These next two could be combined, but your mileage may vary!

Have a movie marathon.  Invite your friends over and watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies!  Or all of the Star Wars movies.  Or Star Trek, or superhero movies, or Animal House, or something with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in it.  If you purchased nice alcohol and/or chocolates earlier, share them with your best buddies – it’ll only get great from there.

If you really want to have a good time, have a romantic comedy movie marathon, but make it into a drinking/chocolate eating game.  You might end up sick afterward, but hey – how else does one get through formulaic and stupidly heterosexual idyllic cliche garbage flicks involving Channing Tatum or Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan/every actor who needed a paycheck?  There are a couple guides on teh interwebz, but you can always make up your own rules, too!

Okay, now it is time for me to be serious with you.  Do not, under pretty much any circumstances other than “you need a ride to the hospital and nobody else is answering”, and I mean this: DO NOT CALL YOUR EX.  It won’t end well, it will be extra super weird because it’s Valentine’s Day and just don’t do it!  Remember that you broke up for some reasons.  I don’t mean that from a place of bitterness or resentment, but there were reasons and you should continue to remember those.

Also important: DO NOT DRINK ALONE.

drinking will not help your "forever alone" status or feelings

Seriously, drinking alone is not good.  Even if you’re chatting online, it does not count.  My rule is you have to be physically in the same space with another living, breathing human being in order to have safe drinking times.

Eating chocolate alone, however, is totally more than acceptable.

GO.  BE VALENTINE-Y!


How to: Survive Victoria’s Secret

The vast majority of women in America wear underthings.  Of that majority, a lot of them seem to like having really nice underthings.  You know, there’s just something super-swell that makes me feel great when I wear nice underthings.

Enough about my underpants.  Women sometimes go to places like Victoria’s Secret and are bombarded with 8,000 kinds of bras, and about 7 options for underwear styles.  It’s gonna take them some time to get through all this stuff, even if they thought they knew what they wanted before you even left the house.

I went on one such excursion not too terribly long ago, and I wasn’t flying solo.  Yes, my ladyfriend needed new undergarments, and of course I would never pass up the opportunity to see her picking out attractive yet comfortable and functional underthings!  However, this meant that I was the awkward person near the fitting rooms waiting for her to be done.  It’s weird when you’re a girl, because the store employees are super nice and they keep asking, “do you need help with anything?”  I wish I could say, “Nope, just waiting to see how great my ladyfriend’s rack looks when she comes out of that little room!”

But it gave me a new perspective on what guys must go through being the waiter-onner for someone trying stuff on.  More likely than not, most gentleman-friends aren’t interested in the wares of Victoria’s Secret (unless you’re helping pick things out), so you can’t even claim the pretext of “I’m just browsing” without probably feeling a little weird.  That’s gotta be rough!  So how do you do it?

The best trick I have learned in my not so long life is that it’s very important to always look like you know what you’re doing.  It’s part body language – stand up straight, be alert, and walk with confidence, my friend! – and part not looking like an overwhelmed lost puppy.  This means don’t hang out like a creeper by the fitting rooms.  It’s okay to wander around the store and look at other things.  Your ladyfriend can help you by letting you know what size she wears, so if you wanted you could pick things out for her to try on.  Everybody wins that way!

The other really important thing to remember is that it’s okay to touch the merchandise.  I’m not saying you can necessarily go fondle the cups on all the bras (and definitely don’t fondle any of the employees, that’s just a bad idea all the time), but you can pick things up and take a look at them.  Go one.  I know you have probably wondered what the difference between a regular bra and a push-up bra was.  Take a look!  You might be a little bummed out to find that thongs look uncomfortable just sitting on a table (and maybe you can draw the conclusion that although they’re pretty, they’re probably really uncomfortable in real life on a body too!)  But go ahead, look around and check out all the patterned underoos they have everywhere.

One other great distraction that Victoria’s Secret in particular has is a HUGE wall of lotions and smelly things.  Go smell them.  Yes, I’m totally serious.  If you haven’t, you’re missing out.  Find something delicious and ask your ladyfriend if she wants to smell like that sometimes, because she’ll probably be really glad you’re taking an interest in this store, and in how she smells!

Last but not least, if for some reason your lady won’t tell you her size and you feel super awkward, you can always reserve the right to agree to meet somewhere else after a given amount of time, possibly at another store.  That’s part of the wonder of cell phones and watches – instantaneous contact means you don’t really lose people in malls.  I would vote this as a last-ditch effort, though, because I think it’s important to get out and do stuff with your significant other.  And that’s what I think is really Victoria’s Secret.