Badass Fictional Women, Part 1

Hi!  So last week I went all politi-rant on you, which was probably not so fun for some of you to read.  So this time I’m going to post some pictures of rad heroines from modern movies that are also badass attractive ladies.  It’s gonna be great.

This is also a bit influenced by me having seen The Hunger Games recently, and I’m probably totally crushed out on Jennifer Lawrence.  Can you blame me?

Buffy Summers

Well, because duh.  Buffy is probably the first most badass live-action girl to appear on TV.  Even if she’s not, I don’t even care.  I love that she kicks ass and makes quips about her fashion and stuff, and that she cares so much for her friends.  Also, crossbow-prom dress combo.  Duh.

Lara Croft

Lady Lara Croft.  Aside from pondering the chafing of her gunbelt with those hotpants she always wears, what a BAMF!  She’s got the money, the accent, the survival skills, and perhaps most importantly, the brains to find just about anything and solve any puzzle.  Not to mention the tight shirt.  Don’t judge me.


Any lady who can bring down a ridiculous amount of zombies and manage to move quickly in that leather bodice gets my vote.  Also, is it just me or does Milla Jovovich look a lot like Amanda Palmer?  I digress.  Guns.  Blades.  Jumping from things.  Blowing shit up.  Alice is basically what I want to be if zombies ever DO show up.

Hermione Granger

This girl, you might notice, is not a gun-toting, leather-clad badass ass-kicker (say that 5 times fast?) BUT she is the single smartest person on this list.  There’s really nothing Hermione can’t research, and how many times has she saved Harry and Ron’s skins by her brilliance?


I would be seriously stupid to not include the Warrior Princess herself!  Between the ring-throwing, the sword-fighting, the punching, and the general ass-kicking, Xena is like the OG of female badassery.  Not to mention her totally bitchin’ armor, amirite?

Bo Dennis

First things first.  She’s a succubus.  Second, she isn’t concerned with the gender of her partners.  She also wears an absurd amount of leather and is pretty much a good person.  AND she kicks the crap out of a lot of people and monsters.

Lisbeth Salander

What’s really cool about Lisbeth Salander is how human she is.  I’m not even going to say “normal”, because she’s anything but normal.  She is, however, a badass in her own way.  I would really recommend reading through Stieg Larsson’s books, because she’s actually a really inspiring character.  Her creativity and resilience are what make her so badass.  Also, take your pick between Rooney Mara’s characterization and Noomi Rapace’s, either way you won’t be disappointed.

Tank Girl

Tank Girl gets included for the weirdness factor alone!  She lives in a tank in a post-apocalyptic world and is originally a comic book character, so mad points there.  She also is (according to the Wikipedia article) She is prone to random acts of sex and violence,hair dyeingflatulencenose-pickingvomitingspitting, and more than occasional drunkenness.”  That sort of sounds like my girlfriend.  Don’t tell her I said that.

Ellen Ripley

Fun fact for the day: Sigourney Weaver’s iconic role as Ripley was originally written for a dude, but somehow Ms. Weaver snagged the part and is forever part of scifi culture.  And hot DAMN, are we all grateful!  She’s arguably the strongest, most hardcore character out of any women on this list (sorry Xena), not to mention she’s got some pretty nasty enemies (and I’m not just talking about the aliens).  Managing to kick this much ass AND fight through sexism?  AWESOME.

Samus Aran

If you know anything about the Metroid games, you probably know about Samus.  And, you probably know that it was a big deal to go through the whole game lasering your way through clouds of metroids and other nasties (space pirates and those creepy bosses), only to have a big reveal that – SURPRISE! – you were playing as a girl the whole time!  She’s got the suit*, she’s got the moves, Samus is a class-A badass woman.

Katniss Everdeen

Last but definitely not the least, I picked Katniss Everdeen.  Say what you want about the Hunger Games and the movie or the books or whatever.  Don’t tell me you don’t love a woman with a bow.  I do, or else I wouldn’t have her on here.  There’s something about ladies with amazing skills, and survival skills happen to be pretty damn useful.  She sleeps in trees, has ridiculous accuracy with a recurve, and manages to fuel a revolution.  She’s taken care of her family and helps people when she can.  I’m maybe in love with her, don’t judge me.

All of these women have some amazing almost superhuman qualities.  Have I missed any of your favorites?  Let me know!

*If anyone can tell me who this particular cosplayer is, I would be much obliged to you. ETA: Thank you A TON to litlghost for sourcing that rad Samus cosplay!

How to: Survive A Fancy Restaurant

Hello and welcome back to me, I’ve been off doing silly things like studying for classes and celebrating my 3-year anniversary with my wonderful girlfriend!

To mark this amazing occasion, the lady took me out to a fancy-pants restaurant (or at least a lot fancier than places we usually eat, like McDonald’s…) The waitstaff was wearing nice pressed white shirts, white aprons, and very fancy dark blue jeans, so it wasn’t necessarily a black-tie place, but we dressed up nonetheless, ate some fancy food, drank some fancy wine, and had a great time!

Over the course of the evening, from the preparation to the restaurant events, got me thinking: Valentine’s day is coming up, and probably some folks are gonna go to a fancy restaurant.  Through my extensive field research and my own mistakes, I have created a how-to survival guide for just such an occasion!  LUCKY YOU.

First of all, pick the restaurant well before you go.  Most places have websites now, and sometimes you can even check out the menu before you get there.  DO THIS.  Reading up on the place and practicing pronouncing dishes (plus maybe looking at what’s IN dishes like that on Google or something), is a really great tactic.  This way you look smooth, smart, and above all, prepared.  And don’t forget to make a reservation.  Show up on time.  It’s kind of rude to go to a place and expect them to have held your table for you, especially when Valentine’s Day is probably the busiest restaurant day ever.

Second, dress up!  For god’s sake, isn’t it fun to put on nice clean clothes, make sure you’re all gussied up and lookin’ hot?  It’s different from going to a club where you’re trying to attract attention, and different from like a funeral or wedding where you HAVE to dress up.  This is where you can let these two styles collide – the dressy bit and the flair!  Don’t you dare wear a novelty tie, though, those things are not funny and I have no idea why they still make them.  You can ask what sort of outfit your date will be wearing, and try to dress so you don’t clash horribly (but you don’t have to match – that’s way too “high school prom”)

Next we get to the behavioral aspects of your night out!  I realize this is going to sound very old-fashioned, but wait for your lady to sit down, pull her chair out, push it in for her.  Be genuine and polite.  I hope you still genuinely enjoy her company!  My girlfriend did this for me and it was surprising and adorable at the same time.  It’s not about “putting a woman in her place” in this instance; it’s about showing you still really care about her.

When you’re ordering anything at a restaurant, do NOT, under any circumstances, give a waiter a “thumbs-up” or an “okay” sign.  I did this and I still feel stupid about it!  To be fair, I had a mouthful of appetizer when he presented the bottle of wine for tasting, and I nodded while chewing and gave the “okay” sign – I’m feeling a right idiot more than a week later, how do you think you will feel after Valentine’s Day?  Since my hindsight is 20/20, I should have nodded, put up a finger in the “one moment please” gesture, and finished my mouthful.  Bam, survival tip you can use over and over again!

Don’t rest your elbows on the table.  If you have to rest your hands somewhere, put one hand on a lap, and have your other forearm resting on the edge of the table.  Sit up relatively straight, so your nice clothes don’t get all messed up.  You’ll look better and more attentive to your sweetheart anyway.  Also, remember that you’re wearing really nice pants that you don’t want to drop food/wipe food on!  They give you big napkins at most restaurants, so shake ’em out and set them on your lap.  Cover those slacks, chaps, it’s okay to protect ’em!  Just don’t forget it’s on your lap when you stand up to leave – that will also be kind of embarrassing.

I hope you all have a great way of celebrating Valentine’s Day!  And who knows, later in the week there might be a “how to survive Valentine’s Day” guide for you single folks!  Thanks for reading!

How to: Survive Victoria’s Secret

The vast majority of women in America wear underthings.  Of that majority, a lot of them seem to like having really nice underthings.  You know, there’s just something super-swell that makes me feel great when I wear nice underthings.

Enough about my underpants.  Women sometimes go to places like Victoria’s Secret and are bombarded with 8,000 kinds of bras, and about 7 options for underwear styles.  It’s gonna take them some time to get through all this stuff, even if they thought they knew what they wanted before you even left the house.

I went on one such excursion not too terribly long ago, and I wasn’t flying solo.  Yes, my ladyfriend needed new undergarments, and of course I would never pass up the opportunity to see her picking out attractive yet comfortable and functional underthings!  However, this meant that I was the awkward person near the fitting rooms waiting for her to be done.  It’s weird when you’re a girl, because the store employees are super nice and they keep asking, “do you need help with anything?”  I wish I could say, “Nope, just waiting to see how great my ladyfriend’s rack looks when she comes out of that little room!”

But it gave me a new perspective on what guys must go through being the waiter-onner for someone trying stuff on.  More likely than not, most gentleman-friends aren’t interested in the wares of Victoria’s Secret (unless you’re helping pick things out), so you can’t even claim the pretext of “I’m just browsing” without probably feeling a little weird.  That’s gotta be rough!  So how do you do it?

The best trick I have learned in my not so long life is that it’s very important to always look like you know what you’re doing.  It’s part body language – stand up straight, be alert, and walk with confidence, my friend! – and part not looking like an overwhelmed lost puppy.  This means don’t hang out like a creeper by the fitting rooms.  It’s okay to wander around the store and look at other things.  Your ladyfriend can help you by letting you know what size she wears, so if you wanted you could pick things out for her to try on.  Everybody wins that way!

The other really important thing to remember is that it’s okay to touch the merchandise.  I’m not saying you can necessarily go fondle the cups on all the bras (and definitely don’t fondle any of the employees, that’s just a bad idea all the time), but you can pick things up and take a look at them.  Go one.  I know you have probably wondered what the difference between a regular bra and a push-up bra was.  Take a look!  You might be a little bummed out to find that thongs look uncomfortable just sitting on a table (and maybe you can draw the conclusion that although they’re pretty, they’re probably really uncomfortable in real life on a body too!)  But go ahead, look around and check out all the patterned underoos they have everywhere.

One other great distraction that Victoria’s Secret in particular has is a HUGE wall of lotions and smelly things.  Go smell them.  Yes, I’m totally serious.  If you haven’t, you’re missing out.  Find something delicious and ask your ladyfriend if she wants to smell like that sometimes, because she’ll probably be really glad you’re taking an interest in this store, and in how she smells!

Last but not least, if for some reason your lady won’t tell you her size and you feel super awkward, you can always reserve the right to agree to meet somewhere else after a given amount of time, possibly at another store.  That’s part of the wonder of cell phones and watches – instantaneous contact means you don’t really lose people in malls.  I would vote this as a last-ditch effort, though, because I think it’s important to get out and do stuff with your significant other.  And that’s what I think is really Victoria’s Secret.

Awesome Out Actresses

Jane Lynch

Your favorite scary cheerleading coach is out, and I do believe she just got married awhile ago.  I love her.  She’s nothing but funny and she’s been in EVERYTHING – a ton of rad mockumentaries, The L Word (where she was awesome and got to rock lots of power suits), and of course, Glee.  She hosts award shows and is totally badass.  Seriously.

Kirsten Vangsness

Man, I love watching crime shows.  I especially love Criminal Minds, because they have HER!  Kirsten Vangsness is a really funny lady, plus she plays an awesome computer whiz/hacker type.  Her outfits make me smile and, if you google her, she dresses as flamboyantly in real life too!  AMAZING.  And there’s also this:

You can’t tell me that’s not awesome.  I mean, redhead, activist, attractive, glasses… COME ON.

Sara Gilbert

Yes, Darlene is gay.  And she is also dating Linda Perry which is pretty rad.  And she’s a pretty awesome human.  SERIOUSLY.  Is anyone else really glad she doesn’t dress like she did on Roseanne anymore?  I know I am.

Clementine Ford

Oh, favorite bit character on The L Word, also Cybil Shepard’s daughter, also AWESOME.  And hot, let’s not forget hot.  Just look at that lady.  There’s no way you can say she’s not hot.  If you do we’ll fight.

Alexandra Hedison

Sexy photographer who dated Ellen DeGeneres at one time.  Do I really need to elaborate?

Heather Matarazzo

Oh look, it’s everyone’s favorite awkward girl/plucky sidekick!  Also she had a probably-totally-gratuitous death scene in the second Hostel film. I love how well she nails the “best friend” role, and I really want her to be MY best friend (apologies to my actual best friends)

Portia deRossi/DeGeneres

Okay, if this woman isn’t simultaneously the hottest AND luckiest woman ever, then I am clearly in the wrong line of existence.  I love her, and I love her wife.  This is the only instance in which I would support polygamist marriage.  And I think that’s an okay thing.

Jenny Shimizu

Talk about your favorite gender-bender, Jenny Shimizu is totally mine.  She looks damn fine in a tux, plus she possibly may have theoretically allegedly dated Angelina Jolie.  So really, she’s pretty great.  She also models and does some other great stuff.


Slight obsession with her, GET OVER IT.  Apparently she’s also single, so I may have to start thinking of really good apologies to send my girlfriend.  And also start raising bail money for staying out of jail for stalking.  (Kidding!?)

14 Hot Queer Girls

Okay boys, I’m trying something a little different today.  Sometimes I just wanna look at hot girls, know what I mean?  Of course you do.  Well today I’m gonna give you some pretty ladies who are awesome, talented in some way or another, and really attractive.  And not on your team.  Why?  Because I can.  Why else?  Because I like to change people’s perceptions of gay and queer ladies sometimes, and now I can do that online!  Don’t worry, I’ll get you back with some ladies that top my “Should Be Gay” list.

ENOUGH TALK ALREADY!  Let’s get to some unreasonably amazing and attractive ladies!!!!!

Amber Heard

Okay, this girl is absolutely gorgeous.  Not to mention she’s like 25 and has been in some nifty movies like Zombieland and Drive Angry.  She’s got that classic 40s movie star look about her, and yes.  She’s dating a lady.  Also, she’s into muscle cars and guns, and has been interviewed on Top Gear… Marry me, Amber?

Chely Wright

This lady made big news by coming out publicly while being a big deal in the country music world.  I don’t know a lot about country, but I do know Ms Wright is hot and probably really talented too.

Sara Quin

One half of the music duo Tegan and Sara, I feel as though Sara is the more attractive twin.  Not to mention an AWESOME guitarist.  Go see them live, check out the awesome things they do to raise money for stuff (like sell their own instruments to make money for Tsunami victims)

Heather Peace

Seriously who wouldn't love this woman?

Oh lord, where do I start with her?  My girlfriend doesn’t like her because I am in love with Heather Peace.  Why?  She plays an awesomely butch cop on an awesomely gay show (Lip Service) and is a pretty decent musician.  Not to mention that sense of style, I mean… Really.

Ruby Rose

Okay.  Tattoos… Out-drinking Bam Margera… Dating ladies… Where do I sign up?  This little spitfire is a hot Australian and probably a future ex-girlfriend of mine.

Angelina Jolie

Do I need to say any more?

Well duh.  She drank blood, adopted orphans from like fifteen countries, played one of the biggest gay lady icons (dykon, if you will) EVER, of course she’s dated women.  She dated a female costar of a movie they play on Lifetime, Jenny Shimizu, and has said she’d have married her if not for whats his face (SCANDAL)

Brandi Carlile


I’m madly in love with this woman.  If you’ve never heard her music, shame on you.  Go see her live, buy her records.  I would part with at least one limb to meet her, and then I’d die happier than you could ever imagine.  I love Brandi Carlile.  Her music rocks, she’s super good-lookin’, and… Um… Yeah, nothing more constructive to say about this.

Anna Paquin

She also played Rogue... Rowr

Your favorite vampire food is WHAT?!  Yeah, she also dates chicks.  Or at least has dated chicks.  This makes her a-okay in my book/on my blog, not to mention she’s friggin HOT.

Cat Cora

How do I get her to make me breakfast?

Is there anything better than a gorgeous woman who can cook?  Yes.  A gorgeous GAY woman who can cook.  At least, for me.  She’s an Iron Chef for god’s sake, and she has 4 kids.  I can’t decide if I want her to adopt me or date me – either way I want her to cook for me.

Margaret Cho

I want to be her.

The extremely fabulous Margaret Cho is also, GASP, bisexual!  She’s been a big advocate for the queer community, not to mention she’s an attractive, witty, curvy, tattooed lady (now who does that sound like…?  Oh, me!)

Jackie Warner


ABS!  I mean, seriously, she’s unreasonably hot AND fit… It’s rumored she dated Jillian Michaels back in the day (who would be on this list if I could photoshop out her face), and Ms Warner had a show about her gym and life called “Work Out” which involved her dealing with crazy girlfriends.  Now she’s got one called “Thintervention” and I just have to say, Jackie Warner you can put me through your boot camp ANYTIME.  Seriously.  Call me.

Missy Higgins

Okay, before I go any further, let’s just give a great big thank-you wave to the folks down under, because this Australian musician not only makes awesome music but she’s SO HOT.  Why are Australians so hot?  Are there any ugly people from there?  Anyway, Missy here is not so openly bisexual, but has some songs about being queerly inclined like this one.  She’s said in interviews she hopes people will focus on her music instead of her personal life.  I’m pretty sure I can do both.

Jessie J

The British version of Katy Perry is actually… BISEXUAL.  OH NOES.  I can’t say I love her music, but she’s cute and pretty open about herself, “I’ve never denied it. Whoopie doo guys, yes, I’ve dated girls and I’ve dated boys – get over it.”  And I gotta say, I like her style.

Kristanna Loken



Of course I saved her for last

our favorite killer robot, the T-X from Terminator 3, dates girls.  Painkiller Jane is into ladies.  Not exclusively, so you still have a shot, but she was also part of the TV series The L Word.  This could only be better if she was dating that lady from Chuck.


Alright guys, if on the off chance I didn’t make this list awesome enough, please let me know – I don’t think I missed anyone really noteworthy though.  And don’t worry, I’ll have another series starting up soon entitled “Girls I Wish Were Gay” because it’s a list at LEAST 3 times longer than this one.

How to Deal: Hobbies

Hey dudes, I got a really good question from a friend and former coworker the other day.  How do you go about introducing a new lady to your hobbies and interests?  What’s really great is this can also translate to some of the more, erm, adult activities as well.

The best answer I can give to this question is “Go slow”.  If you’re into baseball cards, if you’re into fishing or stamp collecting or model building or even taxidermy, don’t talk about it constantly, don’t DO it constantly (unless you’re a professional fisherman or taxidermist, I guess!)  Relationships are hard, no doubt about that.  They take a lot of work and compromise, and unfortunately a bit of sacrifice.  For those of you gentlemen who haven’t managed to snag a lady that loves everything about you and your weird habits, this can cause some friction (bad friction, minds out of the gutters please).

My friend Q has a particularly interesting hobby.  I don’t even know if calling it a “hobby” is the right term, but anyway, he spends a lot of his spare time preparing for the end of civilization as we know.  One way or another he’s convinced modern civilization will end and we’ll all be thrown into a Mad Max-like post-apocalyptic world.  He and a couple friends of his take secondhand sports equipment and whatever else they can scavenge (literally, scavenge) and make armor preparing for just such an occasion.  I’ve been to these parties, it’s actually a pretty neat gig.  But, neatness aside, I am guessing it’s hard to walk up to a lady he’s interested in and ask her what she’s doing for the end of the world.

I think this is one of Q's roommates... Could be wrong.

So, if you’re reading this, Q, here’s some very personal advice for you.  If she is into movies, which most people these days are, ask if she’s ever seen Mad Max or Waterworld (or both), propose a date night where there’s popcorn or mixed nuts or whatever.  Cuddle up on the couch, and then pop these movies in.  During the course of viewing, but maybe not when there’s essential action, mention casually that you love this stuff and make costumes – I would totally go the casual route, so as not to seem, you know, nuts.  Since Q throws big shindigs at a local club every so often, mention that too, and invite her along.  Establish this hobby as a not-totally-serious thing (like you don’t REALLY believe this is how things will turn out… Right?)  If she seems willing to go along with it in a casual sense, then use your best judgment to see how much farther she’s willing to believe.

I partied with these people once

Okay, I teased you with this earlier and I should probably address it now before I get angry letters – what do you do about sexier subjects that might be a little off to most people?  If you’ve got a kink and you want to date someone and be happy, you gotta tell someone.  For instance, if you like being spanked, bring it up.  The best approach is always honesty, and always be up-front if you’re ever asked.  Obviously using your best judgment is key here, since doing this wrong could lead to some serious lack of sexytimes for you.

You know what?  Now that I think about it, this should really be addressed more fully, probably in another post of its own.  So that’s what I’m gonna do with that.

If you’ve got problems, which I’m sure you do, email me!

Til next time, boys!

Hello Internets!

Welcome to this here blog.

To make a long story short, I am a gay lady.  I LOVE ladies, and I have lots of straight, gay, male, and female friends.  They are smart people, and I am a smart person as well.  So after asking many of my smart friends, I have decided to write this blog.

What is this about?  Well, a lot of my straight female friends seem to have lots of guy issues.  Seeing as I am an expert on ladies, both because I date them and AM a lady, I thought I’d try to help the straight guys out.

Here I will write posts on a wide range of topics – fashion, dating, general advice, and (of course), sex advice!  But how, you might ask, could a lesbian give straight MEN sex tips?  Well, think about it.  Who BETTER to ask what a lady likes than someone who is a lady that sleeps with ladies?

At some point, I’d like some feedback – emails, messages, questions – that sort of thing.  But that is an eventual goal.  Right now, I want you fellas to sit back and take in what I have to tell you about the girls, because, after all, I am a girl for the boys.