Hey everybody! I’m not dead!
I’m about a trillion percent sorry that I haven’t updated in… Um… Oh balls, since April! What’s wrong with me, why do I neglect you so?
I don’t know about you, but I have had a bit of a whirlwind few months. I joined a band, graduated from college (no really, I wore the stupid little hat and a dress and everything!), and the biggest one…. I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!
I’ll have details on all of this stuff if you ask for it, but first I gotta know, who the hell is Googling sexy pictures of Tank Girl and finding this blog? Shine on, you crazy diamond! Shine on!
Anyway, the good news is that things are settling down in my existence, and there’s a lot of LGBTQ-related things happening in the world. Fortunately for you, this means lots of new post ideas, hoorayyyyy!
Stay tuned, kids!
I’m breaking my hiatus because my hiatus is stupid and was imposed for no reason other than I was a little bit on the lazy side. It’s true, dear readers. I neglected you because I was bumming around playing video games. And, y’know, college.
For my first post back, I wanted to talk about something that’s very near and dear to me, and that I take very very seriously. Surprisingly, it’s not sex (although that’s a close second).
I want to get into what it means to love yourself. I don’t mean the corny self-help book style of patting yourself on the back or giving yourself affirmations daily or anything like that. I mean this on a deeper level, because I think “loving yourself” is a very subjective act.
***TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM AND DEPRESSION***
For me, loving myself has many meanings. It could be treating myself to a large iced mocha on a rough day. It could be that extra five minutes in the shower. I may be crazy, but sometimes “loving myself” means doing another set of a lift at the gym, because loving myself and pushing myself sometimes get conflated. Sometimes I give myself an extra ten minutes of sleep before work, and that’s loving myself.
I didn’t always used to have such positive outlets for how I felt about myself. Sometimes I still don’t. I used to think that loving myself meant doing everything I could to be skinny like girls are supposed to be. I didn’t do the greatest job of taking care of myself physically, and it took a toll on me in a way that I couldn’t notice back then. When I got positive comments, I felt like I was flying. It reinforced what I was doing (which was not consuming food), and it felt damn good. When I didn’t get positive comments… I wasn’t very nice to myself. I punished myself, and to this day I am extremely ashamed of this.
I don’t know when this changed for me, and I can’t promise that it will, because nobody can do that. (If only…)
It turns out that I’m not actively trying to make you cry, and I’m definitely not searching for compliments or pity. I want you to be aware that this acceptance of self is a process. It’s a journey and it’s hard. So, what does this have to do with you?
You never know where somebody is coming from in life. You don’t know if that chubby kid goes home and tries to eat right and maybe has some other problems. That weird quiet dude doesn’t need you to point out that he looks like he hasn’t washed his hair. People are so acutely aware of their flaws, they really don’t need to hear another voice chime in and repeat them.
One of the most important things that happened when I started realizing I was worth more than cuts and starvation was that I became a nicer person. When I was better to myself, I felt better and I passed that on to the rest of the world. I’m not trying to be preachy and I’m not trying to brag about how great a person I am – I still have flaws, and maybe you have a different reason for being mad at the world. It’s okay.
There’s that old adage that says, “you can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself”. I know it’s not healthy to base your worth on your relationship status. However, I think there’s a very fine line between the healthy and unhealthy aspects of that. For me, finding that awesome girlfriend of mine made me a great deal happier. I’m about to sound EVEN LAMER (as if that’s possible at this point) and tell you that she has made me want to be a better person.
I wanted to share my experiences and opinions with you about this stuff for awhile, and I’m still not sure I managed to do it without sounding all “hurr durr look at how great my life is now”. It’s important to remember that you ought to be kind to yourself. Self-respect and self-worth are terms that get tossed around a lot, and it’s easy to get lost in the myriad definitions.
Take a good, hard look at what you view as loving yourself. Does it harm yourself, physically or psychologically? Does it harm someone else, physically or psychologically? It doesn’t have to be a productive thing, necessarily (my coffee/chocolate consumption is hardly productive and mostly just delicious).
Be good to yourselves. I think you’ll feel a lot better.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kind of busy the last week or so. I got hired to play music at a wedding, completely by accident! I also have been making real-life friends, which is hilarious. And working out, which makes me look so much more attractive than normal (seriously, sweat does something for me. No, it does. Totally.)
Anyway, I’m in a bit of a pickle here. My Gay Girl superpowers only go so far, and I only have so many super-creative ideas for posts knocking around my brainbox!
I need your help, trusty readership! What sort of things do you want to see happen here? More lists? I need moar topics! More survival guide entries? Anything that you’ve had a particular issue with recently?
Well hello there! Remember how I was moving? Well, I moved. I’m actually technically not done moving, but that’s really just how I work.
All in all things went better than expected, but due to crap planning on my part we slept on the floor the first night. Not so comfy. The next day I went out and bought a queen mattress, and there have been vast improvements in a lot of departments.
I am also now the proud mother of ridiculously fast internet, which I’m pretty sure is totally worth it. It’s so nice to be able to cruise Tumblr and have all those .gif images loaded and moving properly!
All this aside, I’m really happy. I’m actually a lot happier than I thought I could be, given that my girlfriend and I have been together so long and we know each other… I didn’t expect this weird feeling of relief mixed with utter elation. Plus it’s awesome – I can walk to my gym, or tell people I have to get back to my apartment instead of my parents’ house. It’s basically like I’m a real adult!
We’re also down the block from some AWESOME bars. Hellooooo alcohol consumption!
My advice to you, if you’re on the fence about moving in with a long-term significant other, is to freaking do it. And then go buy a big mattress. You’ll thank me, really.
Apart from all of the above, I’ve got some great stuff planned for you guys later on this week – another awesome list, and then some other things. WOO.
IN A GOOD WAY!
Really, it’s beautiful out. I fully intend to write a post about some of my new favorite television-y things, including some rad commentary on gay visibility in the media.
I also am going to talk about some silly laws and some sad stuff that happened in the news recently. 10 points and a high-five if you can guess what these are!
Now, though, I’m going on a dog-walking, apartment-hunting adventure, and you’ll just have to wait! If you don’t have beautiful weather, I feel bad for you.
Also, pro tip, walking a dog around a nice neighborhood on a beautiful day is actually a GREAT date idea. And the greatest part is that it doesn’t matter if you’ve been dating a long time or not, because dogs are partner-magnets (unless it’s a Chinese crested, then you’re probably SOL there…) and who doesn’t enjoy being in the sun?
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t go on a dog-walking date if you have an ugly dog. But, DO go on dog-walking dates, because everyone wins! There’s the cute factor with the dog, the nice factor with the weather, it’s a great way to get a little exercise in, and you can talk about pretty much anything! Some of my greatest conversations with my ladyfriend have been while walking our respective dogs. It’s my professional opinion that you should walk dogs with significant others.
In other news, it’s Pi Day! What’s Pi Day? Well, it’s March 14th, or 3-14, which are the first couple of digits of Pi, a really long irrational number that is involved with geometry and such.
Go eat some pie after walking your dog with your significant other (or a friend even), because pie is delicious and really, there are SO MANY KINDS of pie! There’s pumpkin and blueberry and sweet potato and apple and French silk and pretty much whatever you can think of!
Regularly-unscheduled postings will happen at some other point. I’m going outside!