How To: Survive The Friend Zone

Hey look, I’m not dead and I haven’t quit on you kids just yet!

I had to take some time to figure out what I should cover here and what sort of things would actually make a good blog post.  And now, here I am.

Today I want to talk about the friend zone.  It’s that magically awful place you get stuck in when the friend you like doesn’t want to take your relationship to that next level.  The friend zone is almost invariably the worst possible place to be, going from responses I got from friends and the representations that appear in mass media.

Let’s start with a definition.  A friend zone is what one is placed in when the object of their affections says, “No thanks, but we can still be friends”.  There’s really no easy way to be in the friend zone, and that seems to be the root of the problem with it.  It’s not easy so we don’t want to do it ever.  It would totally be way easier if that person who friend zoned us would just say “Okay” and date us, right?  More on that in a minute.

I don’t know a single person who enjoys being rejected.  This goes for my friends who are actors, even though they put themselves in that position an awful lot.  However, there is a difference between being rejected and being put in the friend zone.  Being rejected means being dumped, thrown away, told you’re not good enough at all for someone or something.

My friend Aim made a really good point – if someone puts you in the friend zone after an awkward advance, that means they want to stay friends.  And that means, by extension, that they value your friendship enough to endure the awkward post-advance times with you.  Isn’t that an important thing to talk about?

It’s important to remember that when you’re thinking, “UGH why won’t he (or she) just DATE ME ALREADY?”  Because friendship is a valuable thing.  Remember that time I talked about Nice Guy Syndrome?  Nobody owes you a sexy relationship.  Nobody even owes you friendship, which if you think about it that way, makes friendship seem that much more valuable.

A concept that seems to go hand-in-hand with being friend zoned is that of oneitis.  This is where all you can think, talk, write, or worry about is that one person.  It’s easily confused with love, and even though I’m supposed to be this big oracle on relationship things and love and advice, I’m not entirely clear what the boundaries are here.  I think that, if you aren’t having feelings reciprocated, you need to take a step back and seriously think about your life and choices with regard to that particular person.

Most romantic comedies fall into this trap of romanticizing oneitis and demonizing the friend zone.  It’s really not a healthy way to portray these things.  First of all, your feelings may not be returned for some very good reasons, and you should probably find a friend to tell you exactly why.  Second, out of the hundreds of thousands of people you see in a day, what makes that one person so special?  I’m not advocating writing out any sonnets Shakespeare-style, describing your supposed heart’s desire or anything.  However, I do recommend making a list of things you know about the person you want to get with, and making a list of things you like in a person.

This takes some serious honesty on your part.  Don’t gloss over any flaws to make the other person seem better.  They’re never going to see this list.  What are the things you don’t like in a potential partner?  Does this person have any of those qualities?

Curing oneitis and surviving the friend zone are two totally different things.  The good part is it’s possible, but the bad part is that they require a brutal level of honesty that can usually only come from a close friend.  In my experience, this gets dicey when the person friend zoning you (or who is the target of the oneitis) happens to be your best friend.  Your best bet is to get down and dirty with the honesty, talk it out, and then decide if your friendship is better than any potential romantic relationship.  With a little luck you’ll get through it.

 

Send any questions to gaygirladvice @ gmail.com, or find me on Twitter!  Thanks for reading


Self-Help Books Can Actually Be Helpful???

Okay I’m sorry, I didn’t fall off the planet, I’ve just been shirking my duty as your faithful advice blogger for… Well for long enough to risk falling off the planet, I suppose.  I haven’t really done much, apart from the usual going to the gym, going to work, and eating food routine that most people seem to have.  So exciting.

One thing I have done is finish reading a book.  An advice book, no less – something I normally avoid like a cat avoids water.

I’m not usually one for self-help books. I tend to find the advice therein trite, condescending, and in some cases enabling of the behaviors the person reading needs help with. Of course, when my mom handed me this book I went, “Yeah, sure, I’ll read this. Eventually.” Because my mother likes to hand out advice, wanted, warranted, or not, I really just rolled my eyes. And then my girlfriend read the book first. And then something ridiculous happened – she told me it was good. Not just good, but something that I should be reading.

Thus, I just finished reading, The Defining Decade by Dr. Meg Jay, PhD. The book is broken down into a few sections, on love, work, and being a grown-up. Really, the whole book centers on acting like an adult now instead of later, and getting your act together before you’re 30. There are a lot of examples that Dr. Jay uses to describe exactly what she’s getting at, whether it’s the twentysomething boy who was essentially homeless because he grew up in an unsettled divorced parenting situation, or the young Korean American woman who had grown up being teased for being different and a virgin in high school, so she never stopped to consider the sort of qualities she actually wanted in a partner – she just wanted to be wanted.

I wish I couldn’t identify so well with each of the people in this book. I’m way overeducated for my current job. I know this, and I know what I want to be doing, I just don’t know if I can actually put in the work to get there. I just keep assuming that everything will fall into place, because that’s what I’ve been taught to expect. I’ve also been hearing, “You’re young, this is what you’re supposed to do” an awful lot, too.

I think, contrary to popular belief, “YOLO” (you only live once) is part of this problem that leaves folks screwed over in their thirties. The twenties are apparently to be spent partying, traveling, working as a barista at Starbucks, and generally not giving a shit about the future because you’ll think about it “when you’re thirty” or “way later”…. Draw a timeline of how you want your life to go. If you have a picture like that, and “babies” and something like “medical school” are in the same place… You might have to reconsider what you’re doing.

What resonated most with me, for a silly reason, was the entire section on love. Every time my girlfriend and I have had problems of any sort, I have been advised by at least one person to break up with her and find someone else. I’m always told that I will have plenty of time to find my perfect someone, because my girlfriend and I are “so young” (I’m almost 24, for the record). I think getting together at a pretty young age, relatively speaking, is seen as a thing of the past. I have a friend who just got married, and she’s a couple years younger than I am. Do I think that’s too young? Maybe. I don’t know.

The point I’m trying (and failing) to make is that I feel really lucky in love. I don’t think I care if my perfect soul mate life partner match from heaven is out there in the world somewhere. There are another 7 billion people on this planet, of course. But, at this point, I think instead of stressing over whether or not my girlfriend and I are completely 100% totally perfect, I am going to focus on all the great things about being with her. At least in this respect, I feel like I have my shit together.

I wish I had an idea of what I want to be when I grow up. I wish I knew what I wanted to DO with my life. I want to do a million things, and I’m so afraid of all the possibilities that I don’t know where to start, and so I’m just paralyzed by all of them.

This paragraph I just wrote isn’t in the book, but there are a bunch like it. It makes me feel less bad, being as concerned as I am about my career future, because Facebook and the media seem to keep telling me that I should be gallivanting around Europe half-naked and fucking my way through hostels or something to that effect. Those same institutions tell me that I should drink more and do stupid shit because, after all, “you only live once”.

While that’s all probably a good time, I will take my amazing girlfriend, our tiny apartment, and a half-cooked plan for the rest of my life over drinks in an English pub any day. I may not know where I want to go, but I know who I want to get there with, and I really think that’s a big step in the right direction.

I’m not advocating for or against settling down at an earlier age, and I’m not even knocking working for Starbucks.  All I’m saying is that this book is pretty great, I recommend it, and I think we could all stand to get the ball rolling on the rest of our lives a little faster than age 30.

A little ambition never killed anyone.

…Right?


A Little Maintenance

Hey y’alls!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kind of busy the last week or so.  I got hired to play music at a wedding, completely by accident!  I also have been making real-life friends, which is hilarious.  And working out, which makes me look so much more attractive than normal (seriously, sweat does something for me.  No, it does.  Totally.)

Anyway, I’m in a bit of a pickle here.  My Gay Girl superpowers only go so far, and I only have so many super-creative ideas for posts knocking around my brainbox!

I need your help, trusty readership!  What sort of things do you want to see happen here?  More lists?  I need moar topics!  More survival guide entries?  Anything that you’ve had a particular issue with recently?

Hit me up at gaygirladvice (at) gmail.com, or on the Twitters @gaygirladvice, or le Tumblr, gaygirladvice.tumblr.com


Fantastic Queer Superheroines!

I know you were all waiting for this.  This is probably the nerdiest thing I’ve ever written, except for that time I wrote some fan fiction for Gundam Wing.

I know.

And even if you weren’t, that’s okay.  Whoever follows me on tumblr (ahem ahem shameless plug) will have noticed a pick-up in the superheroine-type things I’ve been reblogging.  It happens.  It started with me wanting to learn more everything about Wonder Woman and went on from there, so without too much ado, I present in no particular order, some really amazing super- and meta-human ladies!

Holly Robinson

I can’t be the only one who sees it

Did you guys know Catwoman had a sort-of sidekick?  Who was gay?  Because I didn’t until I started looking into these things.  Holly manages to stab Batman in the leg and then end up at a convent.  At some point she comes back, takes over being Catwoman while Selina is on maternity leave, dies, but not really, and she’s Selina Kyle‘s BFF/roommate/probably girlfriend sometimes.  At least, that’s what happened In My Head.

Sailor Neptune/Sailor Uranus

Image by AmayaKouryuu at deviantart

I have to include these ladies as a pair, because they’re a couple.  I don’t really care what the English dub of “Sailor Moon” that you watched on Toonami said, they’re not cousins.  Cousins don’t have pot points like Sailor Uranus (Haruka) kissing Sailor Moon, or dressing up as Tuxedo Mask, or, y’know, sexin’ up Sailor Neptune (Michiru).  I really love the two of them, because Haruka is super flirty and Michiru is quieter and super-polite.  They balance each other out so well and I can’t help it, they’re so effin’ cute.  Seriously, I’m still not sure how I was so naive to think lady cousins should be so friendly.  I know better now, and so do you.

Renee Montoya

Look at that striped shirt and blazer. Hot!

So Renee Montoya is was a cop, which is pretty sexy and superhumanly in and of itself.  HOWEVER, she’s also The Question!  AND Batwoman‘s girlfriend, for a hot minute!  Can I sum it up decently by saying she’s a fabulous representation of a person of color (her parents are immigrants from the Dominican Republic)?  No.  I can’t really sum her up neatly, she’s more complex than that.  This lady has some srs bznss in her background and I would need more coffee and at least three blog posts to cover it.  She dated Batwoman, has alcohol issues, and kicks the crap out of people.  And she wears a tie while doing a lot of these things.  Unf.

See? Ties.

Knockout

I think I’m in love

Holy CRAP, this woman.  Those biceps.  Wikipedia says “Her hidden identity was that of a super strong stripper who worked at a club called the BoomBoom Room”.  Does this explain what I’m about to say?  Maybe.  Knockout is really more of a villain than superheroine, but this is my list so hush.  She’s been on the Suicide Squad and the Secret Six, and has died or almost died a couple of times.  No, really.  It’s canon.  I like Knockout because 1, her name is a great pun and 2, she’s like eight feet tall and 3, she was dating the next lady on this list…

Scandal

Also: tattoos

Scandal scares me a little bit.  Maybe it’s that crazy combat mastery, or her really freaky weapons (seriously, “lamentation blades”?), but it’s probably more that she can re-grow her guts.  Her dad’s immortal, so what do you expect?  But I do love a lady who’s tough, and she’s fought freaking Talia al Ghul (a sometimes-Batman girlfriend) and lived through being shot and almost blown up and such.  I think she’s a big softie, judging from her reaction to her girlfriend Knockout’s death, so… I like her.  Is it weird that I find the tough girls attractive?

Batwoman

Kate kissing Not Renee (Detective Maggie Sawyer)

I couldn’t notput her on this list.  Kate Kane‘s Batwoman is easily the most recognizable of the women I picked, not to mention the most gay.  She gets booted from a military academy for dating another (female) student, and gets it on with attractive lesbian cops a lot.  Mostly I love how complicated she is, she’s not just the token gay title character.  Seriously, I can’t tell you how big a deal that is.  Also she’s a redhead with tattoos, and that’s never a bad thing.  If you’re not interested in the storylines of the most recent Batwoman issues, just go for the art.

Look at this, it’s beautiful, now go get it!

I’m pretty sure I’m missing a good deal of lesbionic butt-kickers, because not every superheroine who doesn’t necessarily need a dude to save her or partner up with is queer, so drop me a line on Twitter, or tumblr, or down in the comments and talk to me about your favorite queer superheroines!


How to: Talk About Sex

Hey!  HEY YOU GUYS!  So remember that one time I wrote about kinks, and about how some people give crappy advice to people when they come up?

My girlfriend and I went out to eat the other day, and I picked up a copy of The Onion.  In the back, they run Dan Savage’s column, Savage Love, and  as I was reading this particular issue, I noticed that people seem to 1. have a disturbing love for this book, 50 Shades of Grey, and 2. apparently have no idea how to talk to partners about sex.  Savage’s response to one of these women actually made me pretty annoyed, and almost angry.

And then, as if things could not get any more timely, a close friend of mine said that he and his partner were having some issues in the bedroom.  I did the, “Well, did you talk about it?” line of questions, and he kept balking, talking about how he did not want to hurt his partner’s feelings, how he didn’t want to cause trouble in the relationship, blah blah et cetera.

Talking about sex is a lot like talking about kinks.  The biggest difference is that usually, sex is not quite so shame-ridden as kinks can be.  There’s a larger number of people having sex in general, versus however many people might share a kink.  With a difference in numbers and with “everybody doing it”, you’d think it would be a hell of a lot easier to talk to one’s partner about sexytimes, right?

Well…. No.  It’s not.  And it’s not easy because of the reasons my friend brought up.  Hurting someone’s feelings probably is going to make you less likely to get sex from them, at least in the immediate future.  This isn’t necessarily a fact, but if you make someone feel bad, like, say, where sexual prowess is concerned, it doesn’t seem likely that that person will turn around and go, “Okay well how about we fix that RIGHT NOW?!” (however if you do have a partner like that, you have won at life)

Telling someone they’re not doing sex with you right is really difficult.  There isn’t a way to sugarcoat it, but there are a few ways to make it less awful for everyone.  You can always go with the direct approach.  Being as straightforward as possible and saying, “Look, this is something I have noticed in the bedroom and here is how I want it to change, can we work something out?” leaves practically no room for losing.  A similar way of getting your point across is by, in the heat of the moment, saying something like, “Hey, you know what would be hot?  If we ___________”, and then you let them know what you want.  This works especially well if it’s asking for a tweak in a sexy routine, e.g. who gets to be on top?

Another thing that works pretty well is a nonverbal approach.  If it’s a matter of one partner not getting off (and this being a problem), take some more direct control, if you know what I’m saying.  Move the other person’s hand to where you want it, and see where things go.  If they don’t go the way you want, either try again or talk it out.

Now, these tactics are all contingent on one thing – your partner agreeing with your suggested change.  If this does not happen, then a few things need to happen: you have to figure out how important this change is to you, you have to be absolutely certain your partner understands this is an important thing, and/or you have to start reconsidering your relationship with this person.

But wait – why did I bring up Dan Savage?  Because his advice sucked.  And why did his advice suck?  Because, if you go and read the third letter of the link above, he suggested that a 43-year-old housewife use a time machine to solve her problems.  I know this has a little more to do with kinks and fetishes, but a lot of Savage’s advice to women seems to be to DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already), especially if they are writing to him about their sex lives.

This is kind of unacceptable.  It’s funny that he has no problem talking to some cops about semi-public (male) masturbation, but when a woman wants some advice on bringing her husband into her experiment with BDSM, he dropped the ball.  The answer is not to go back in time and not dump the weird kinky guy she may or may not have dated twenty years ago.  The answer is to talk it out.  Bring up reasons she wants to try it.  Say things about how hot BDSM might be, give the husband an out and say, “Let’s just try it a couple of times and see if we like it.”

The one thing I want you all to take away from this is to not be afraid.  The absolute worst-case scenario of getting dumped because you want to improve your sex life with that person probably will turn out to not be a worst-case scenario.  And who knows?  Your partner might even surprise you, agree, or say, “I’m SO glad you brought this up!  I was wondering about this!”

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex!!!!


Soapbox: Gay Marriage Edition

Alright, so in case you have been living under a rock lately, you have probably heard that Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama have both publicly voiced support for same-sex marriage.  After that, Jay-Z and even the NAACP have endorsed marriage equality.

I bet even he’s heard, though.

After all that has happened and all that is being said, I have some feelings about it.  How could I not?  It’s a big deal.  It’s a massively huge ridiculously big deal, to be more precise.  And it effects my life in a very direct way.  So if you don’t want to read about my feelings and issues with all that’s going on, I advise you to stop now.

A lot of friends of mine on Facebook posted links to the video of President Obama describing how he came to this new attitude toward gay marriage, explaining this evolution of sorts.  Unfortunately while his words were really heartwarming and it was awesome to hear the President of the United States, while in office, say outright that he wants to allow folks like me and some of my best friends to marry our partners…. I didn’t feel it.

I know.  I know.  I feel like such a terrible American!  How could I, noisy obnoxiously gay lady that I am, not be celebrating with glitter, rainbows, and unicorns like the rest of the population that is okay with gay marriage?

It’s a combination of things.  First, it has brought out some of the worst in people.  Some people that were very vehemently opposed to gay marriage have gotten even worse.  North Carolina passed its stupid Amendment One, which bans everything except marriage between a man and a woman.  What’s tragic and stupid about this, in my mind, is that gay marriage was already illegal in North Carolina.  This just added that into the constitution of the state, while also dumping on straight couples who wouldn’t really go for a traditional marriage.

By making this announcement prior to the November election, the President has potentially pushed away voters that like progressive things but not gay marriage.  I’m just really, really nervous about this.  I think that it’s all going to be okay, given that the other presidential candidate is big jerk bully Mitt Romney.  Speaking of which, have you read about some of the crap this guy has done?  Seriously, what a d-bag.

Perhaps what is worst about this is people like this pastor.  I know he’s probably voicing a minority opinion here, and I know that he’s only got like three people agreeing with him on that video… But it hurts.  I don’t like the vaguest notion of locking up any group of people, let alone a group of people to which I belong.  It makes my skin crawl and my stomach cramp to know that there’s a a guy like this saying things like that, and to know that there are some humans who will actually listen.  Pro tip: If you want to not be considered an asshole, don’t suggest rounding up and jailing all the “queers”.

None of this, though instills in me the need to fight, to push, I don’t have this feeling like I am actually supported or that marriage equality is actually supported by my President.  They’re just words.  I do not mean to belittle what is a large step forward – that would be naive and unfair.  I don’t think this is a moment to celebrate.  Instead of cracking some champagne and enjoying this moment – undoubtedly a big moment, at that – I find myself becoming more the angry lesbian caricature.  I guess it’s in part because I felt shortchanged after the 2008 election and the Prop 8 insanity that happened is happening in California, but also in part because there were some people who straight-up (no pun intended) told me that I should be glad this first step was taken.  There were a few comments that had the, “Isn’t this good enough for you” tone, and I resent that.  It did nothing to make me agree and be happy.  It felt condescending and super straight-privilege-y.  Needless to say, I’m not a fan.

If I could give you one bit of advice, in all this ranting I’ve done, it’s this: don’t tell people that this is good enough.  Don’t tell people that they can stop asking for it because a man in an office said some pretty words.  Instead, look for a local chapter of PFLAG or GLSEN, make an It Gets Better video, just don’t make empty promises.

Something less depressing will probably be in the next post.


Moving Update

Well hello there!  Remember how I was moving?  Well, I moved.  I’m actually technically not done moving, but that’s really just how I work.

All in all things went better than expected, but due to crap planning on my part we slept on the floor the first night.  Not so comfy.  The next day I went out and bought a queen mattress, and there have been vast improvements in a lot of departments.

I am also now the proud mother of ridiculously fast internet, which I’m pretty sure is totally worth it.  It’s so nice to be able to cruise Tumblr and have all those .gif images loaded and moving properly!

All this aside, I’m really happy.  I’m actually a lot happier than I thought I could be, given that my girlfriend and I have been together so long and we know each other… I didn’t expect this weird feeling of relief mixed with utter elation.  Plus it’s awesome – I can walk to my gym, or tell people I have to get back to my apartment instead of my parents’ house. It’s basically like I’m a real adult!

We’re also down the block from some AWESOME bars.  Hellooooo alcohol consumption!

My advice to you, if you’re on the fence about moving in with a long-term significant other, is to freaking do it.  And then go buy a big mattress.  You’ll thank me, really.

Apart from all of the above, I’ve got some great stuff planned for you guys later on this week – another awesome list, and then some other things.  WOO.


How to Survive: Moving In Together

So my girlfriend and I are moving in together.  I mean in an official “both names on the lease” way.  We pretty much live together anyway, and not seeing each other on a pretty daily basis makes us both really sad, so obviously living together is the solution.  (Plus, this means I get epic pit bull snuggles from her dog whenever I want!)

Here’s the kicker – we’re moving in nine days.  NINE.  DAYS.  I haven’t packed a thing.  I sorted through some stuff about a week ago and threw away a bunch of crap and then went back to playing Dragon Age writing papers and studying for finals.

Still… I have a lot of stuff, she doesn’t have as much stuff, and moving is creeping closer and closer, and I know it really bugs her that I haven’t really done anything proactive about this.  Without further ado, here’s a quick guide to surviving the big move!

Sort Your Shit

You HAVE to know what stuff you’re intending to take with you and what you’re going to get rid of.  Also, you have to know if you’re going to donate things to charity (clothing that you don’t like or doesn’t fit should fall into this category.  Old magazines you never read can be classified this way as well.  Your rock collection that you don’t actually care about?  Throw them in your garden!)  If you’re holding on to a stack of old bookmarks or notebooks from high school… Well, I would advocate setting them on fire in a safe situation, but I still don’t know what I’m doing with mine (Yeah, I have a stack of bookmarks – what?)

Pack Your Shit

No, really.  Even if it’s just throwing crap in boxes and maybe labeling them and maybe not, making your stuff portable is going to make everything easier.  If you leave out some clothing to wear for the next few days/week or so, and have a way to get those clothes from old digs to new, you’re set!  NO EXCUSES.

Stop Making Excuses

Yeah, I have finals coming up and I work a lot…. So?  I also have a buttload of free time that I tend to squander on silly things like playing Dragon Age.  It happens, it’s annoying, and I know I do it.  I don’t really have any good advice for this aside from “realize you’re wasting time and cut that out”.

Don’t Get Stressed

If you’re on the other end of this situation, and you have all your things ready to go and someone else is dragging their feet…. Step back a minute.  Take a deep breath, realize that this doesn’t mean this person is having second thoughts about living with you.  Try to figure out why this person is avoiding packing their things up.  For me, I just hate packing.  I hate the thought of sifting through all of my things, and because I come from a family of pack rats, I am genetically predisposed to not throw things away.  I have too much stuff and it’s scary going through it.  This might be a familiar story with someone you love.  Don’t freak out.

 

I mean… The other options are to not move in with this person, or to not move at all.  You could always do the packing yourself, right?  (“Dear girlfriend: please pack my stuff for me” is not exactly the greatest way to get things packed.)

Try not to leave things until the absolute last possible second.  I’ll let you know how well that works out for me.


The Trouble With Being A “Nice Guy”

Hey y’all!  No attractive ladies this time, unless you count ME.  But for serious, this is gonna be a pretty intense post so STRAP ON YOUR SEATBELTS!

Someone I have been chatting with online has recently completely exemplified Nice Guy Syndrome.  What’s Nice Guy Syndrome, you ask?  It’s the affliction many young men seem to have, where apart from being a totally nice guy, the dude in question might be using nice guy tactics to gain something FROM whoever is the target of his niceness.

There are whole websites devoted to discussing the ins and outs of Nice Guy Syndrome, and this one in particular has a great definition all laid out…

The technical definition of the nice guy syndrome, simply states that this is a set of behaviors and characteristics that certain guys possess and perform. These include things such as: going out of your way to please people; overly focusing on giving other people what they want; offering unreciprocated favors and gifts; as well as avoiding confrontations and disagreement at all cost.

Now here’s the tricky part about Nice Guy Syndrome… If you’re using any of these tactics to move yourself out of The Friend Zone and into someone’s pants, you’re being a problem.  It’s not cool.  Stop it.

Back to my acquaintance – when discussing people in a position of authority, he declared all of the women to be horrible, harridan-like bitches, but most of the guys were more than fine.  He also fails to understand why essentially being a doormat doesn’t land him knee-deep in ladybits.  These two things are connected and I’m going to come back to this.

In checking out NGS on the internets, I discovered there’s an ENTIRE wiki for geeky feminism!  SO COOL!  But the best part is that they have a fabulous set of reasons why this is problematic for all involved parties.

The biggest issue is that Nice Guys see themselves as a gift to womankind, and get really resentful when women don’t view them similarly.  For instance, a guy stuck in the Friend Zone with a particular lady will end up resenting her for rejecting him, and she’ll have no idea why.  This won’t end well for anyone involved, and that’s crazy and sad.  What you have to remember, everyone, is that just because you aren’t boinking a friend doesn’t make the relationship with that person a complete failure, or any less special.  In fact, I really enjoy having friends without the awkward added pressure of sexytimes interfering.  Maybe that’s just me, but I really just like having good buddies I haven’t seen naked.

Here’s another important thing to remember: rejection happens to EVERYONE.  Literally.  At one point or another, people get turned down for a number of things, be it sex, a date, an audition, an application for a job, an apartment, or even if a stray cat won’t come near them.  This shit happens, and instead of blaming everything else, pick yourself up and move on.

Now, what do these things have to do with my Nice Guy acquaintance?  Here’s the thing: his resentment of some (or a couple) girls who have rejected his romantic advances has bled over and tainted his view of all womankind.  This is especially true for the women who have some sort of authority over him, which explains why he hates all his female bosses.  Long story short, he hates them because they’re extensions of people who won’t have sex with him.  With me so far?  Good.

Here comes the really REALLY important part.  What do you do if you think you might have some issues with Nice Guy Syndrome?

First, take a look at why you feel the way you feel about people around you.  Do you think, if you have friends you want to date, that whoever they’re dating is a douchebag?  Why?  Because they’re succeeding where you think you’re failing.

You might actually be a really, really nice dude, and that’s totally fine.  Actually, that’s more than fine – usually when you’re nice, people think you’re a good person.  Here’s the thing, though.  Other people are nice, too.  Other people are good people who feed strays and pick up litter and listen to female friends’ problems they’re having.  And you know what, they don’t get a medal for that, and they don’t feel they need one.  It’s a good feeling to be a good person, and usually that’s reward enough.

Step back, take a look at why you’re being good.  I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better about your life (and maybe even end up knee-deep in ladybits) if you start being a nice guy for the right reasons.


Badass Fictional Women, Part 1

Hi!  So last week I went all politi-rant on you, which was probably not so fun for some of you to read.  So this time I’m going to post some pictures of rad heroines from modern movies that are also badass attractive ladies.  It’s gonna be great.

This is also a bit influenced by me having seen The Hunger Games recently, and I’m probably totally crushed out on Jennifer Lawrence.  Can you blame me?

Buffy Summers

Well, because duh.  Buffy is probably the first most badass live-action girl to appear on TV.  Even if she’s not, I don’t even care.  I love that she kicks ass and makes quips about her fashion and stuff, and that she cares so much for her friends.  Also, crossbow-prom dress combo.  Duh.

Lara Croft

Lady Lara Croft.  Aside from pondering the chafing of her gunbelt with those hotpants she always wears, what a BAMF!  She’s got the money, the accent, the survival skills, and perhaps most importantly, the brains to find just about anything and solve any puzzle.  Not to mention the tight shirt.  Don’t judge me.

Alice

Any lady who can bring down a ridiculous amount of zombies and manage to move quickly in that leather bodice gets my vote.  Also, is it just me or does Milla Jovovich look a lot like Amanda Palmer?  I digress.  Guns.  Blades.  Jumping from things.  Blowing shit up.  Alice is basically what I want to be if zombies ever DO show up.

Hermione Granger

This girl, you might notice, is not a gun-toting, leather-clad badass ass-kicker (say that 5 times fast?) BUT she is the single smartest person on this list.  There’s really nothing Hermione can’t research, and how many times has she saved Harry and Ron’s skins by her brilliance?

Xena

I would be seriously stupid to not include the Warrior Princess herself!  Between the ring-throwing, the sword-fighting, the punching, and the general ass-kicking, Xena is like the OG of female badassery.  Not to mention her totally bitchin’ armor, amirite?

Bo Dennis

First things first.  She’s a succubus.  Second, she isn’t concerned with the gender of her partners.  She also wears an absurd amount of leather and is pretty much a good person.  AND she kicks the crap out of a lot of people and monsters.

Lisbeth Salander

What’s really cool about Lisbeth Salander is how human she is.  I’m not even going to say “normal”, because she’s anything but normal.  She is, however, a badass in her own way.  I would really recommend reading through Stieg Larsson’s books, because she’s actually a really inspiring character.  Her creativity and resilience are what make her so badass.  Also, take your pick between Rooney Mara’s characterization and Noomi Rapace’s, either way you won’t be disappointed.

Tank Girl

Tank Girl gets included for the weirdness factor alone!  She lives in a tank in a post-apocalyptic world and is originally a comic book character, so mad points there.  She also is (according to the Wikipedia article) She is prone to random acts of sex and violence,hair dyeingflatulencenose-pickingvomitingspitting, and more than occasional drunkenness.”  That sort of sounds like my girlfriend.  Don’t tell her I said that.

Ellen Ripley

Fun fact for the day: Sigourney Weaver’s iconic role as Ripley was originally written for a dude, but somehow Ms. Weaver snagged the part and is forever part of scifi culture.  And hot DAMN, are we all grateful!  She’s arguably the strongest, most hardcore character out of any women on this list (sorry Xena), not to mention she’s got some pretty nasty enemies (and I’m not just talking about the aliens).  Managing to kick this much ass AND fight through sexism?  AWESOME.

Samus Aran

If you know anything about the Metroid games, you probably know about Samus.  And, you probably know that it was a big deal to go through the whole game lasering your way through clouds of metroids and other nasties (space pirates and those creepy bosses), only to have a big reveal that – SURPRISE! – you were playing as a girl the whole time!  She’s got the suit*, she’s got the moves, Samus is a class-A badass woman.

Katniss Everdeen

Last but definitely not the least, I picked Katniss Everdeen.  Say what you want about the Hunger Games and the movie or the books or whatever.  Don’t tell me you don’t love a woman with a bow.  I do, or else I wouldn’t have her on here.  There’s something about ladies with amazing skills, and survival skills happen to be pretty damn useful.  She sleeps in trees, has ridiculous accuracy with a recurve, and manages to fuel a revolution.  She’s taken care of her family and helps people when she can.  I’m maybe in love with her, don’t judge me.

All of these women have some amazing almost superhuman qualities.  Have I missed any of your favorites?  Let me know!

*If anyone can tell me who this particular cosplayer is, I would be much obliged to you. ETA: Thank you A TON to litlghost for sourcing that rad Samus cosplay!