Y’know, part of me wonders if social media is making things better or worse for all of us. On the one hand, I can learn about things that are happening to other people I know with a quick glance at my Facebook or Tumblr feeds. On the other hand, I can learn about things that are happening to people I didn’t want to know about with just a quick glance at my Facebook or Tumblr feeds.
For instance, I can learn that a couple coworkers went and saw a terrifying movie, and I can be glad that I’m not going to have nightmares that involve things with too many limbs or possessed children or people in animal masks. I can check to see if my friends in flood zones or fire hazard areas are okay (or if my friend whose building roof caught fire has a place to stay). So I think it can be good for a lot of things.
Unfortunately it’s also a great way for me to indulge my curiosity and to check up on what my exes are doing! YAY. And I’m pretty sure that until Facebook starts tracking who is looking at your profile, I’m going to keep doing it. I don’t know why, and I don’t really know what makes this seem like a good idea. Every so often I get the urge to compare myself to my exes – the ones I am not still Facebook friends with, anyway. So in their name goes to the search bar, and then there’s some clicking, checking on their profile pictures and career moves… It’s not totally creepy, is it? (Is there a way that I can talk about this without seeming creepy? Ah, well…)
Today I learned that the ex who cheated on me is in a really super-happy relationship with the woman with whom she cheated on me. It kind of sucks, and not because I wish her unhappiness or unkind things, and definitely not because I’m unhappy with my own relationship, but… There’s a part of me that didn’t want that to work out. If I’m going to be completely honest, if I had the power to change this I would. I would make it so they couldn’t be together, because I’m still not 1000% over having been cheated on. Let’s be real – being cheated on SUCKS and it hurts to feel like you’ve been replaced.
Today, though, I also learned an important thing: I am better off letting go.
Look at me, look at what you just read through. Checking on this particular ex, and learning what I know now, has made me feel insane. Not the madcap Ace Ventura brand of crazy, but the “I AM GOING TO STALK YOU AND PUT DOLL HEADS IN YOUR MAILBOX AND SET THINGS ON FIRE” kind. That’s a really terrible feeling, and it’s a little confusing to have these feelings about a girl I haven’t dated for 7 years (yeah, I know – old lesbian is old).
I can’t really identify what it is that makes people revisit past relationships. If we didn’t do this, we wouldn’t have movies like High Fidelity, or any rom-coms, and probably Friends would have been an awful TV show. But I think what might be most important about this revisiting isn’t realizing the good or bad things that are long since past, I think it’s realizing how much you’ve grown since that relationship ended. I’m definitely not the same kid I was when I broke up with this girl, and I can’t tell you how much of a good thing that is.
Every relationship is a learning experience, hell, everything we do is a learning experience. But I think people come into your life and touch you in a way you never expected (and in ways you TOTALLY expected!), and I think it’s important to realize that you don’t have to hate your ex. I don’t hate my exes. I don’t like a lot of them, and I don’t stay in touch with most of them, but they aren’t necessarily bad people.
And really, I’m not a bad person for checking Facebook.
Hey everybody! I’m not dead!
I’m about a trillion percent sorry that I haven’t updated in… Um… Oh balls, since April! What’s wrong with me, why do I neglect you so?
I don’t know about you, but I have had a bit of a whirlwind few months. I joined a band, graduated from college (no really, I wore the stupid little hat and a dress and everything!), and the biggest one…. I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!
I’ll have details on all of this stuff if you ask for it, but first I gotta know, who the hell is Googling sexy pictures of Tank Girl and finding this blog? Shine on, you crazy diamond! Shine on!
Anyway, the good news is that things are settling down in my existence, and there’s a lot of LGBTQ-related things happening in the world. Fortunately for you, this means lots of new post ideas, hoorayyyyy!
Stay tuned, kids!
Hey there, all you lovely people! Did you miss me? I missed you. I’m sorry for my prolonged absence – sometimes life just does things, you know?
I promise I haven’t been completely ignoring you guys, and I really have been intending to write more posts. In fact, I have one RIGHT NOW that took me a bit to get together. It’s funny, a few days ago I got an email from a gentleman who ended up taking my advice, and now he’s unsure about whether the relationship he’s currently in is going to continue. I want to make it very, VERY clear to this particular dude: this post is a coincidence and not necessarily the advice I’m giving you as per your question. I need a bit to figure out what I would do and also to get more info.
Without further ado, here’s how to break up with someone!
Let’s get something out of the way right now. Breakups suck. There’s no good way to break up with someone, and in my own experience, at least one person ends up being really hurt. They can be messy, and they can really ruin your day, but hopefully these tips will make it a little easier.
1. Be Direct! Waffling can only confuse the issue. If you’re gonna break up with someone, it needs to be a real breakup. It needs to NOT be friends with benefits, or “close buddies” or “we can still be friends”, because odds are if you’re breaking up with someone, you don’t want to be their friends.
2. ABSOLUTELY NO POST-BREAKUP SEX. Nothing about this scenario will be good, I promise you. Post-breakup sex leads to confusion, and confusion leads to awkward situations where you’re not sure what your status might be. Or, weirder, it leads to that gray area of “are we or aren’t we back together?” None of these places, none of the confusion or anxiety about that confusion, makes it okay to boink your very VERY recent ex.
3. Stay strong! You had a reason (or three) for this. I’ve noticed that, by and large, people don’t want to be dumped. It’s something about how rejection is awful and hurtful and blah blah blah. When they’re put in this position, they are prone to doing dumb things, like promising you they’ll change, or that they want to “work this out”, or that they will get back together with you as long as there are other guidelines or rules. Guidelines and rules in relationships are fine, but if you are setting out specific conditions for getting back with someone, things can get hairy. They’re never conditions that stick. That change they promise you isn’t change you can believe in (SORRY MR. PRESIDENT). Sometimes, your douchey ex needs to stay your douchey ex. You broke up with them because of something. Stick to your guns. Chances are you’ll be much better off for it.
I once dated a lady I thought was the shit, and we hit it off and were very clear that the relationship would be over when she moved away for school. Well, that plan lasted a whole two weeks after she moved, and then we were long-distancing like it was our job. That ended in lots of tears and her sleeping with several other people. It isn’t exactly the fairy tale I envisioned, am I right? If I had stuck to the plan of “no it is totally over and that’s okay”, I would have avoided the ridiculous feelings I had after I learned she was cheating on me. It’s okay to stay broken up with someone, no matter what they say to the contrary.
4. Be careful with your rebounding. This might go without saying at this point, but do NOT try to have rebound sex with your ex. Or any ex. That shit is WEIRD and it can get really weird. I don’t recommend it.
Sometimes rebounds can be good, but sometimes you can end up projecting feelings about needing to be with someone (like your recent ex), and then your rebound becomes more of a commitment than you were expecting (or maybe that’s just what I do, but whatever). It’s okay to be wary of feelings with other people, as long as you remember that even the person you choose to rebound with deserves common decent respect. Be clear with them about getting out of a relationship recently, I can almost guarantee it will prevent horrid awkwardness and uncomfortable conversations down the road.
4.5 Don’t feel you have to have a rebound. There’s an odd expectation that getting out of a relationship means you get to run around and have tons of sex with other humans… And then reality happens and most of us don’t get to be that lucky (haha, pun intended). Rebounds aren’t for everyone, and they’re certainly not something you should feel you have to do. Nobody wrote that it was required for breakups, and look – I’m writing the exact opposite! It’s okay to just take some time to yourself without running off to bang someone else. Trust me on this one.
5. Take some time for you. This is probably the thing I forget most after a breakup, because I’m usually very worried about what the other person is thinking or feeling or doing (or WHO that other person is feeling or doing, if you know what I mean), so I spend more time obsessing over that than taking care of myself in ways that work for me. Give yourself room to mourn the loss of a relationship if you need it. Go out with friends if you need it. If it settles some part of your soul, go get wasted and sloppy-drunk and pass out on your own apartment kitchen floor. These things are okay, because breakups suck. Just try not to make the more self-destructive things super habitual, because that can get very dangerous.
You guys, breakups are the worst*. There’s nothing fun about a breakup. More often than not, there’s nothing good (at the moment of breakup) about your situation. (*Notable exceptions include abusive or awful relationships, in those cases breakups are AWESOME). There are things that make them easier, and things that make them harder. In my own experience, doing the opposite of the things listed above make breakups harder.
I hope this helps, if this is what you need. Be good to yourselves and each other, and keep being safe.
Hey guys. I hope you all had a spectacular holiday season, that your New Year’s celebrations or shenanigans were awesome and safe and wonderful, and more importantly, that you’re excited for another year of Gay Girl Advice!
Anyway I was thinking about what to write for y’all and I have also been oot’n’aboot doing things like socializing and watching football games, which is weird because I pretty much don’t actually care about football.
Saturday night was one of those nights, and it was really great because I spent time with some cool humans, the team we were all cheering for won, and they made delicious food and it was a super good time. They live on the opposite side of town from me, which isn’t a big deal, I grew up here so I know my way around.
I got followed home. And not by a cop, and not by someone I knew. I mean legitimately followed by some probably super-creepy person and it was the single most uncomfortable experience I’ve had in a very, very long time. I decided to tell you how to tell when someone is following you, and what to do if it happens, because safety is a really important thing.
1. DO NOT GO STRAIGHT HOME Oh my god, if you’re being followed do not lead that person to the place you live. I realize this is common-sense kind of, but it’s also really really way super vital that you don’t go home. If they know what building or area you live in, that could get really bad really quickly, and that is not something anyone should ever have happen.
2. Go straight to a gas station or 24-hour restaurant. This is one instance where going to Denny’s may actually save your life. Go to a place that has lights and has people, because some creeper tailing you isn’t trying to meet up for a social engagement, they’re more likely hoping you go somewhere dark and quiet to hide. Don’t do that. Be as ostentatious as possible in your choice of destination.
3. Be aware of other vehicles when driving. I don’t mean this in a “pay attention to other cars so you don’t hit them” way, because I assume that’s what almost everyone does when driving anyway. The only reason I noticed this truck following me is that they were tailgating me for a good 3-4 miles. Yes. Miles. It’s irritating at first to have big-ass truck headlights in your rear view mirror, and then when it doesn’t change and they don’t pass you even when they have room, it gets weird. Headlights on cars come in a couple different shapes, and if you pay close enough attention (or are a car dork like me), you can usually tell them apart.
4. Get a vehicle description. Some information is better than no information. If you can tell someone that it was a large vehicle, what color it was, a make/model or other distinguishing features, that’s great. License plate numbers are usually really difficult to see at night, plus they’re hard to remember outright, but a general description of the vehicle following you is a great start.
5. Call someone and tell them what is happening. Fortunately for me, I was able to call my girlfriend and tell her what was up, and what area of town I was driving in. If you can tell at least one person that you’re being followed and the general area, that narrows things down if law enforcement has to get involved.
6. Call the cops. If you think you’re genuinely being followed, and it’s freaking you out, don’t stop your car and ask that person why they’re following you. Call 911 and tell them something is wrong – that’s what they’re there for. If you can’t get an officer to respond, tell the operator the kind of car you’re driving and your license plate number, and where you are. Tell them anything you can that identifies the vehicle following you. If nothing else, it makes the police more aware of something that could be a chronic issue in your area.
I know that these seem really obvious guys, I do, but please consider your personal safety to be of the utmost importance. I know we all like to be the intimidating hero, and that’s well and good up to a point. For me, I keep a baseball bat in the back seat of my car in case
zombies appear I feel I need to defend myself. But when I’m being followed by a strange person in a strange vehicle, I’m not going to try to go hand-to-hand with that person. Furthermore, they might even have a gun, and I’m sure as shit not going to try to tangle with that.
I was lucky, because the truck following me peeled off when they saw me hang up with my girlfriend and get ready to make another phone call. I’m glad that blue glowing screen scared them.
It’s crossed my mind that whoever was following me wasn’t particularly malicious and didn’t intend to harm me. Apparently it’s a thing that some bored humans do on occasion. If this is your hobby, grow the fuck up. We live in a world full of enough bad shit, nobody needs to have panic issues in their own neighborhood because you can’t think of something better to do with your time and gas.
You all have the right to feel safe, but you also have the right to BE safe. Keep that in mind as 2013 continues to unfold for you. I wish all of you nothing but the best of luck in this new year.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kind of busy the last week or so. I got hired to play music at a wedding, completely by accident! I also have been making real-life friends, which is hilarious. And working out, which makes me look so much more attractive than normal (seriously, sweat does something for me. No, it does. Totally.)
Anyway, I’m in a bit of a pickle here. My Gay Girl superpowers only go so far, and I only have so many super-creative ideas for posts knocking around my brainbox!
I need your help, trusty readership! What sort of things do you want to see happen here? More lists? I need moar topics! More survival guide entries? Anything that you’ve had a particular issue with recently?
Oh my god guys, I totally forgot I had planned to include style suggestions and such in this blog. Seriously, big oopsie on my part.
Anyway, those will resume if I ever have access to my own computer ever again (my Macbook is dying, etc etc blah blah)
The important thing is to remember to NOT be a douchebag, and soon I will show you how to dress like you’re not a douchebag. These are REALLY important skills.
For now, though, Gay Girl OUT. (Pun intended)
Okay boys, I’m trying something a little different today. Sometimes I just wanna look at hot girls, know what I mean? Of course you do. Well today I’m gonna give you some pretty ladies who are awesome, talented in some way or another, and really attractive. And not on your team. Why? Because I can. Why else? Because I like to change people’s perceptions of gay and queer ladies sometimes, and now I can do that online! Don’t worry, I’ll get you back with some ladies that top my “Should Be Gay” list.
ENOUGH TALK ALREADY! Let’s get to some unreasonably amazing and attractive ladies!!!!!
Okay, this girl is absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention she’s like 25 and has been in some nifty movies like Zombieland and Drive Angry. She’s got that classic 40s movie star look about her, and yes. She’s dating a lady. Also, she’s into muscle cars and guns, and has been interviewed on Top Gear… Marry me, Amber?
This lady made big news by coming out publicly while being a big deal in the country music world. I don’t know a lot about country, but I do know Ms Wright is hot and probably really talented too.
One half of the music duo Tegan and Sara, I feel as though Sara is the more attractive twin. Not to mention an AWESOME guitarist. Go see them live, check out the awesome things they do to raise money for stuff (like sell their own instruments to make money for Tsunami victims)
Oh lord, where do I start with her? My girlfriend doesn’t like her because I am in love with Heather Peace. Why? She plays an awesomely butch cop on an awesomely gay show (Lip Service) and is a pretty decent musician. Not to mention that sense of style, I mean… Really.
Okay. Tattoos… Out-drinking Bam Margera… Dating ladies… Where do I sign up? This little spitfire is a hot Australian and probably a future ex-girlfriend of mine.
Well duh. She drank blood, adopted orphans from like fifteen countries, played one of the biggest gay lady icons (dykon, if you will) EVER, of course she’s dated women. She dated a female costar of a movie they play on Lifetime, Jenny Shimizu, and has said she’d have married her if not for whats his face (SCANDAL)
I’m madly in love with this woman. If you’ve never heard her music, shame on you. Go see her live, buy her records. I would part with at least one limb to meet her, and then I’d die happier than you could ever imagine. I love Brandi Carlile. Her music rocks, she’s super good-lookin’, and… Um… Yeah, nothing more constructive to say about this.
Your favorite vampire food is WHAT?! Yeah, she also dates chicks. Or at least has dated chicks. This makes her a-okay in my book/on my blog, not to mention she’s friggin HOT.
Is there anything better than a gorgeous woman who can cook? Yes. A gorgeous GAY woman who can cook. At least, for me. She’s an Iron Chef for god’s sake, and she has 4 kids. I can’t decide if I want her to adopt me or date me – either way I want her to cook for me.
The extremely fabulous Margaret Cho is also, GASP, bisexual! She’s been a big advocate for the queer community, not to mention she’s an attractive, witty, curvy, tattooed lady (now who does that sound like…? Oh, me!)
ABS! I mean, seriously, she’s unreasonably hot AND fit… It’s rumored she dated Jillian Michaels back in the day (who would be on this list if I could photoshop out her face), and Ms Warner had a show about her gym and life called “Work Out” which involved her dealing with crazy girlfriends. Now she’s got one called “Thintervention” and I just have to say, Jackie Warner you can put me through your boot camp ANYTIME. Seriously. Call me.
Okay, before I go any further, let’s just give a great big thank-you wave to the folks down under, because this Australian musician not only makes awesome music but she’s SO HOT. Why are Australians so hot? Are there any ugly people from there? Anyway, Missy here is not so openly bisexual, but has some songs about being queerly inclined like this one. She’s said in interviews she hopes people will focus on her music instead of her personal life. I’m pretty sure I can do both.
The British version of Katy Perry is actually… BISEXUAL. OH NOES. I can’t say I love her music, but she’s cute and pretty open about herself, “I’ve never denied it. Whoopie doo guys, yes, I’ve dated girls and I’ve dated boys – get over it.” And I gotta say, I like her style.
our favorite killer robot, the T-X from Terminator 3, dates girls. Painkiller Jane is into ladies. Not exclusively, so you still have a shot, but she was also part of the TV series The L Word. This could only be better if she was dating that lady from Chuck.
Alright guys, if on the off chance I didn’t make this list awesome enough, please let me know – I don’t think I missed anyone really noteworthy though. And don’t worry, I’ll have another series starting up soon entitled “Girls I Wish Were Gay” because it’s a list at LEAST 3 times longer than this one.
A couple weekends ago, the Girl and I went to a roller derby match. The audience at these matches are definitely “our kind” of people. By this, I mean they are more alternative, and for lack of better terms, they are less hetero WASP-y and more… Tattooed and dyed. They’re great. They’re nice people and all the girls there either look gay or are gay, and so as a lesbian couple, the Girl and I feel very safe.
The celebratory party was being held at a bar near the big college campus. But, being vaguely adventurous and good-natured people, we decided to go. I mean really, how weird could this be for us? We’re just people going to an establishment that serves alcohol, right?
Wrong. So, SO wrong.
We walked into the end of a basketball game being broadcast onto at least three dozen TVs in the bar. This wouldn’t have been a problem, but the team FROM the college in this town was playing, and it was that ridiculous March Madness season which is kind of a big deal for basketball. Everywhere we turned there were clones wandering about, most clad alike – red shirts, dark denim jeans, white shoes. The males were at least seven feet tall (and most were blonde, which I thought was bizarre). There were backwards baseball caps EVERYWHERE. The resemblance to Cro-Magnon men and Neanderthals was amazing! Brows furrowed in concentration, they would hoop and holler at every point scored by the home team.
And then… The women. Leggings, first of all, are NOT PANTS. They aren’t. They’re like thick tights, and unless you’re Lady Gaga you are NOT to wear them on their own. I don’t want to see the curvature of your ass; I don’t care how good you think it looks. Your t-shirt is NOT long enough to make it okay, and you look stupid. This is all beside the point, of course. These girls were all about five feet tall (I’m 5’8″, for reference), and many were hanging off numerous things, be it the bar, a stool, one of the tall collegiate Neanderthals, or each other. Everyone was drinking shitty beer. Everyone. SO MUCH BUDWEISER AND MILLER LITE. It was astonishing.
The Girl and I were the first of the roller derby bunch to get there, and we ordered drinks and tried not to bump into anyone (or get bumped into). It was a really uncomfortable twenty minutes of my life, and I’m sure it was for my companion. After about that much time, people started to trickle in (most of whom looked to have similar reactions to me upon entry – if I’d had a camera I’d show you all the “WTF IS THIS?” faces.) Eventually the game was over and the roller derby partiers were more numerous.
This whole experience, though, got me thinking: Why go somewhere you don’t feel safe? Do girls enjoy it? After speaking with the Girl, she told me that the only reason she felt okay being somewhere like that, where we are clearly fish out of water, was because I was with her. This was at once flattering and sad. So tell me, ladies and gents, what do YOU do to make sure your companion is having a good time AND feeling safe? Do you even consider it? I realize that I’m a little different – I like being different than others, and I’m pretty open and proud. Can this get me in trouble? Yes. Has it? Yes. However, I refuse to live under a rock, only going to places where I will be one of the many. I don’t like “fitting in” all the time; sometimes it’s good for you, and your relationship, to do things and go places and spend time with/around people who are unfamiliar.
That’s all I have for you today. Be careful, pay attention when someone says they don’t feel safe for whatever reason, but try to have new experiences. It’s not bravery, and it’s not stupidity. I think it’s just plain old open-mindedness. You don’t have to put on a macho “I can take care of you in this uncomfortable situation” air, but suggesting different things can help keep your life, and your relationship, interesting.
So, hypothetical situation. Let’s say you’re still friends with an ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Because, of course, everyone is friends with everyone on Facebook, and something as petty as being dumped is no reason to un-friend someone, right?
This hypothetical ex just gained a new job. Let’s say she becomes manager of a bank branch. But, here’s the issue – she keeps openly posting on Facebook about how much she needs to get laid, or how badly she wants to smoke a lot of weed. And she doesn’t use creative euphemisms!!!
What’s a guy to do? Do you politely say something like, “Maybe you should be a bit more judicious about what you post on here – your boss may end up seeing this”? Or, do you just leave it alone, because, well, they’re your EX after all and she probably stomped on your heart while wearing 4-inch heels?
Well, the Advisors have a variety of responses to this one, so let’s get into those.
Flannery said it’s not your problem; even if the relationship ended on good terms, the ex is an adult, and their judgment and their issues are their own problems. Katie actually said something similar, but took it a step further. She said, “Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason!”
I thought these were pretty interesting, not because of the vague “everyone for themselves” tones I got out of the conversation, but because it showed me that I even have a line that I don’t cross with my exes. I discovered that I don’t give unsolicited advice to my exes, so why would I tell other people they should do the same?
Then there’s the majority of my friends I spoke with, who said, “Nah, the right thing to do is to kindly point out the potential for a problem.” That, unfortunately, also appeals to me. I’m kind of big on looking out for others (my momma raised me that way!), so with an issue like this, I definitely consider giving this advice. With my friends, most will tell you that I give advice like it’s going out of style. As I stated before, I just learned that I draw the line at exes.
However, that’s not really the point. The point is the answer to the question, “What should you do?” I lied at the beginning of this post – this is not a hypothetical situation. A coworker of mine (who reads this blog, SHOUT-OUT TO HIM HERE!) asked me what he should do. What did I say?
DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!!
I said, “As long as you’re nice about it, and you make it clear there are no insidious or ulterior motives for saying it, there’s really no problem with giving a little advice on decorum.” Because really, when you break it all down, it’s a good thing to do. This could literally be a job-ending, potentially career-destroying thing. As we have all heard, you CAN get fired for things that appear on your Facebook page. So, why not try and help someone avoid that?
To summarize: while you may have bad feelings from a breakup, that does not mean you should hold your ill will over someone if it can possibly ruin their life. Don’t be a douchebag. Tell someone (NICELY) if you think they’re being inappropriate. If something ends up happening and you didn’t say anything, you’ll end up feeling like a dick. Save them, and save yourself.