Email Question 2: Electric Boogaloo

I got another email question!  I’m totally not sure if it’s a troll email or not, but here it is, and here’s my answers.

 

Q: Okay so I’ve been great friends with this girl and she considers me as her best friend..
I fear if I’ve been friendzoned already for I have feelings for her..

She cares a lot about me..
I do care a lot about her..
The thing is I fear if I ask her out, it might spoil our friendship.
So please I need your help..
What to do?
A: First thing you do, emailer friend, is to never use the verb “friendzone” ever, EVER again.  Everything about that term implies that the only goal of being in any sort of relationship (including a friendship) with a woman is sex, and that makes you kind of a douche.
The second thing you do is go back and read this.  I think it will help.
The third thing you need to do is make a list, and on one side put all the great parts about being friends with this lady.  Do you do fun things together?  Can you talk about a ton of stuff?  Great!  Now, what’s the only thing you’re standing to gain from turning this friendship into something else?  If the only thing you can come up with is “sex”, then you need to decide if trying to get sex from this friend of yours is worth the potential spoiling of your friendship.  You also have to brace yourself for the mad amounts of awkward if that goes awry.
Please, don’t consider the only goal of being friends with a girl to eventually end up boning her.  That’s horrible and isn’t worth anyone’s time.  For real though, you don’t want to end up like that guy.  If you have genuine feelings for her you should tell her, but if all you think you want is the sex, don’t do it.
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How to: Not Talk To Gay People About Sex

Do any of you have something that really just grinds your gears and gets you every time?  I happen to have a lot of them, and if I were to list them all it would require more time and dedication than I could ever hope to expect from any of you.  Consider this an act of mercy that I’m only focusing on one moderately upsetting thing for today.

I had this particular thing in mind for today, because it happened to me last night.  Sometimes being gay can really stink, and a lot of those times happen when you’re interacting with other (mostly heterosexual) people.  One of those interactions I despise is when someone decides it’s a good idea to ask The Question.  You’ve probably encountered it, either in a movie, with friends, hell – maybe you’ve even asked it yourself.  The Question is, for me, as follows: “What do 2 girls, like, DO, y’know… In bed?”

It’s almost always followed by lots of nervous giggling on the part of the asker.

There are a couple of responses that I use for this question, and the one I pick depends upon how well I know the person asking me, and how much I want them to not hate me.

In this case, I was at a bar, so I was able to be all, “I haven’t had enough tequila for this talk”, and that seemed to work pretty well.  (Other fun responses are things like, “Let’s go find out” and “Please shut your face”, but my favorite is, “Well that depends. Are we sleeping or fucking?”)
I’m not a particularly private person.  I’m loud, kind of annoying, and really obnoxious.  I’m outspoken about a great deal of things.  And yet, this one single question leaves me feeling utterly flabbergasted.  I really think this is a prime example of straight privilege, because nobody asks a straight couple what THEY do in bed, right?  Because everyone knows.  But apparently asking gay folks is not only a) super appropriate and acceptable but 2) going to give you an answer to apply to every gay person ever (because we’re all the same, duh!)

I was told that I handled the question like a champ, but I’m still really riled about it.  I also told the particular asker to check things out on the internet.  It’s a wonderful place and there are TONS and TONS and TONS (etc. etc. ad nauseum) of resources on how two ladies might get it on.  Betcha you’ll never guess what happened next.

“I FEEL DIRTY DOING THAT.”

But you feel perfectly alright asking someone you don’t know very well TO THEIR FACE about their sex life?

It would be completely different if this person were asking me about things to do to make one’s sex life more interesting.  I personally feel I have a lot of really brilliant sexytime ideas, and since I’m obnoxiously outspoken, I find very little shame in sharing them.  This, however, was a whole ‘nother scenario.

The moral of the story this week is pretty simple: don’t be an ass.  I don’t care if you’re drunk, I don’t care if you once asked a gay person in a pride parade and they answered.  I’m a different human being, and you should fucking respect that.

We’ll be back for regularly scheduled shenanigans later on.


How To: Survive The Friend Zone

Hey look, I’m not dead and I haven’t quit on you kids just yet!

I had to take some time to figure out what I should cover here and what sort of things would actually make a good blog post.  And now, here I am.

Today I want to talk about the friend zone.  It’s that magically awful place you get stuck in when the friend you like doesn’t want to take your relationship to that next level.  The friend zone is almost invariably the worst possible place to be, going from responses I got from friends and the representations that appear in mass media.

Let’s start with a definition.  A friend zone is what one is placed in when the object of their affections says, “No thanks, but we can still be friends”.  There’s really no easy way to be in the friend zone, and that seems to be the root of the problem with it.  It’s not easy so we don’t want to do it ever.  It would totally be way easier if that person who friend zoned us would just say “Okay” and date us, right?  More on that in a minute.

I don’t know a single person who enjoys being rejected.  This goes for my friends who are actors, even though they put themselves in that position an awful lot.  However, there is a difference between being rejected and being put in the friend zone.  Being rejected means being dumped, thrown away, told you’re not good enough at all for someone or something.

My friend Aim made a really good point – if someone puts you in the friend zone after an awkward advance, that means they want to stay friends.  And that means, by extension, that they value your friendship enough to endure the awkward post-advance times with you.  Isn’t that an important thing to talk about?

It’s important to remember that when you’re thinking, “UGH why won’t he (or she) just DATE ME ALREADY?”  Because friendship is a valuable thing.  Remember that time I talked about Nice Guy Syndrome?  Nobody owes you a sexy relationship.  Nobody even owes you friendship, which if you think about it that way, makes friendship seem that much more valuable.

A concept that seems to go hand-in-hand with being friend zoned is that of oneitis.  This is where all you can think, talk, write, or worry about is that one person.  It’s easily confused with love, and even though I’m supposed to be this big oracle on relationship things and love and advice, I’m not entirely clear what the boundaries are here.  I think that, if you aren’t having feelings reciprocated, you need to take a step back and seriously think about your life and choices with regard to that particular person.

Most romantic comedies fall into this trap of romanticizing oneitis and demonizing the friend zone.  It’s really not a healthy way to portray these things.  First of all, your feelings may not be returned for some very good reasons, and you should probably find a friend to tell you exactly why.  Second, out of the hundreds of thousands of people you see in a day, what makes that one person so special?  I’m not advocating writing out any sonnets Shakespeare-style, describing your supposed heart’s desire or anything.  However, I do recommend making a list of things you know about the person you want to get with, and making a list of things you like in a person.

This takes some serious honesty on your part.  Don’t gloss over any flaws to make the other person seem better.  They’re never going to see this list.  What are the things you don’t like in a potential partner?  Does this person have any of those qualities?

Curing oneitis and surviving the friend zone are two totally different things.  The good part is it’s possible, but the bad part is that they require a brutal level of honesty that can usually only come from a close friend.  In my experience, this gets dicey when the person friend zoning you (or who is the target of the oneitis) happens to be your best friend.  Your best bet is to get down and dirty with the honesty, talk it out, and then decide if your friendship is better than any potential romantic relationship.  With a little luck you’ll get through it.

 

Send any questions to gaygirladvice @ gmail.com, or find me on Twitter!  Thanks for reading


How to: Talk About Sex

Hey!  HEY YOU GUYS!  So remember that one time I wrote about kinks, and about how some people give crappy advice to people when they come up?

My girlfriend and I went out to eat the other day, and I picked up a copy of The Onion.  In the back, they run Dan Savage’s column, Savage Love, and  as I was reading this particular issue, I noticed that people seem to 1. have a disturbing love for this book, 50 Shades of Grey, and 2. apparently have no idea how to talk to partners about sex.  Savage’s response to one of these women actually made me pretty annoyed, and almost angry.

And then, as if things could not get any more timely, a close friend of mine said that he and his partner were having some issues in the bedroom.  I did the, “Well, did you talk about it?” line of questions, and he kept balking, talking about how he did not want to hurt his partner’s feelings, how he didn’t want to cause trouble in the relationship, blah blah et cetera.

Talking about sex is a lot like talking about kinks.  The biggest difference is that usually, sex is not quite so shame-ridden as kinks can be.  There’s a larger number of people having sex in general, versus however many people might share a kink.  With a difference in numbers and with “everybody doing it”, you’d think it would be a hell of a lot easier to talk to one’s partner about sexytimes, right?

Well…. No.  It’s not.  And it’s not easy because of the reasons my friend brought up.  Hurting someone’s feelings probably is going to make you less likely to get sex from them, at least in the immediate future.  This isn’t necessarily a fact, but if you make someone feel bad, like, say, where sexual prowess is concerned, it doesn’t seem likely that that person will turn around and go, “Okay well how about we fix that RIGHT NOW?!” (however if you do have a partner like that, you have won at life)

Telling someone they’re not doing sex with you right is really difficult.  There isn’t a way to sugarcoat it, but there are a few ways to make it less awful for everyone.  You can always go with the direct approach.  Being as straightforward as possible and saying, “Look, this is something I have noticed in the bedroom and here is how I want it to change, can we work something out?” leaves practically no room for losing.  A similar way of getting your point across is by, in the heat of the moment, saying something like, “Hey, you know what would be hot?  If we ___________”, and then you let them know what you want.  This works especially well if it’s asking for a tweak in a sexy routine, e.g. who gets to be on top?

Another thing that works pretty well is a nonverbal approach.  If it’s a matter of one partner not getting off (and this being a problem), take some more direct control, if you know what I’m saying.  Move the other person’s hand to where you want it, and see where things go.  If they don’t go the way you want, either try again or talk it out.

Now, these tactics are all contingent on one thing – your partner agreeing with your suggested change.  If this does not happen, then a few things need to happen: you have to figure out how important this change is to you, you have to be absolutely certain your partner understands this is an important thing, and/or you have to start reconsidering your relationship with this person.

But wait – why did I bring up Dan Savage?  Because his advice sucked.  And why did his advice suck?  Because, if you go and read the third letter of the link above, he suggested that a 43-year-old housewife use a time machine to solve her problems.  I know this has a little more to do with kinks and fetishes, but a lot of Savage’s advice to women seems to be to DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already), especially if they are writing to him about their sex lives.

This is kind of unacceptable.  It’s funny that he has no problem talking to some cops about semi-public (male) masturbation, but when a woman wants some advice on bringing her husband into her experiment with BDSM, he dropped the ball.  The answer is not to go back in time and not dump the weird kinky guy she may or may not have dated twenty years ago.  The answer is to talk it out.  Bring up reasons she wants to try it.  Say things about how hot BDSM might be, give the husband an out and say, “Let’s just try it a couple of times and see if we like it.”

The one thing I want you all to take away from this is to not be afraid.  The absolute worst-case scenario of getting dumped because you want to improve your sex life with that person probably will turn out to not be a worst-case scenario.  And who knows?  Your partner might even surprise you, agree, or say, “I’m SO glad you brought this up!  I was wondering about this!”

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex!!!!


Moving Update

Well hello there!  Remember how I was moving?  Well, I moved.  I’m actually technically not done moving, but that’s really just how I work.

All in all things went better than expected, but due to crap planning on my part we slept on the floor the first night.  Not so comfy.  The next day I went out and bought a queen mattress, and there have been vast improvements in a lot of departments.

I am also now the proud mother of ridiculously fast internet, which I’m pretty sure is totally worth it.  It’s so nice to be able to cruise Tumblr and have all those .gif images loaded and moving properly!

All this aside, I’m really happy.  I’m actually a lot happier than I thought I could be, given that my girlfriend and I have been together so long and we know each other… I didn’t expect this weird feeling of relief mixed with utter elation.  Plus it’s awesome – I can walk to my gym, or tell people I have to get back to my apartment instead of my parents’ house. It’s basically like I’m a real adult!

We’re also down the block from some AWESOME bars.  Hellooooo alcohol consumption!

My advice to you, if you’re on the fence about moving in with a long-term significant other, is to freaking do it.  And then go buy a big mattress.  You’ll thank me, really.

Apart from all of the above, I’ve got some great stuff planned for you guys later on this week – another awesome list, and then some other things.  WOO.


The Trouble With Being A “Nice Guy”

Hey y’all!  No attractive ladies this time, unless you count ME.  But for serious, this is gonna be a pretty intense post so STRAP ON YOUR SEATBELTS!

Someone I have been chatting with online has recently completely exemplified Nice Guy Syndrome.  What’s Nice Guy Syndrome, you ask?  It’s the affliction many young men seem to have, where apart from being a totally nice guy, the dude in question might be using nice guy tactics to gain something FROM whoever is the target of his niceness.

There are whole websites devoted to discussing the ins and outs of Nice Guy Syndrome, and this one in particular has a great definition all laid out…

The technical definition of the nice guy syndrome, simply states that this is a set of behaviors and characteristics that certain guys possess and perform. These include things such as: going out of your way to please people; overly focusing on giving other people what they want; offering unreciprocated favors and gifts; as well as avoiding confrontations and disagreement at all cost.

Now here’s the tricky part about Nice Guy Syndrome… If you’re using any of these tactics to move yourself out of The Friend Zone and into someone’s pants, you’re being a problem.  It’s not cool.  Stop it.

Back to my acquaintance – when discussing people in a position of authority, he declared all of the women to be horrible, harridan-like bitches, but most of the guys were more than fine.  He also fails to understand why essentially being a doormat doesn’t land him knee-deep in ladybits.  These two things are connected and I’m going to come back to this.

In checking out NGS on the internets, I discovered there’s an ENTIRE wiki for geeky feminism!  SO COOL!  But the best part is that they have a fabulous set of reasons why this is problematic for all involved parties.

The biggest issue is that Nice Guys see themselves as a gift to womankind, and get really resentful when women don’t view them similarly.  For instance, a guy stuck in the Friend Zone with a particular lady will end up resenting her for rejecting him, and she’ll have no idea why.  This won’t end well for anyone involved, and that’s crazy and sad.  What you have to remember, everyone, is that just because you aren’t boinking a friend doesn’t make the relationship with that person a complete failure, or any less special.  In fact, I really enjoy having friends without the awkward added pressure of sexytimes interfering.  Maybe that’s just me, but I really just like having good buddies I haven’t seen naked.

Here’s another important thing to remember: rejection happens to EVERYONE.  Literally.  At one point or another, people get turned down for a number of things, be it sex, a date, an audition, an application for a job, an apartment, or even if a stray cat won’t come near them.  This shit happens, and instead of blaming everything else, pick yourself up and move on.

Now, what do these things have to do with my Nice Guy acquaintance?  Here’s the thing: his resentment of some (or a couple) girls who have rejected his romantic advances has bled over and tainted his view of all womankind.  This is especially true for the women who have some sort of authority over him, which explains why he hates all his female bosses.  Long story short, he hates them because they’re extensions of people who won’t have sex with him.  With me so far?  Good.

Here comes the really REALLY important part.  What do you do if you think you might have some issues with Nice Guy Syndrome?

First, take a look at why you feel the way you feel about people around you.  Do you think, if you have friends you want to date, that whoever they’re dating is a douchebag?  Why?  Because they’re succeeding where you think you’re failing.

You might actually be a really, really nice dude, and that’s totally fine.  Actually, that’s more than fine – usually when you’re nice, people think you’re a good person.  Here’s the thing, though.  Other people are nice, too.  Other people are good people who feed strays and pick up litter and listen to female friends’ problems they’re having.  And you know what, they don’t get a medal for that, and they don’t feel they need one.  It’s a good feeling to be a good person, and usually that’s reward enough.

Step back, take a look at why you’re being good.  I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better about your life (and maybe even end up knee-deep in ladybits) if you start being a nice guy for the right reasons.


How to: Survive Victoria’s Secret

The vast majority of women in America wear underthings.  Of that majority, a lot of them seem to like having really nice underthings.  You know, there’s just something super-swell that makes me feel great when I wear nice underthings.

Enough about my underpants.  Women sometimes go to places like Victoria’s Secret and are bombarded with 8,000 kinds of bras, and about 7 options for underwear styles.  It’s gonna take them some time to get through all this stuff, even if they thought they knew what they wanted before you even left the house.

I went on one such excursion not too terribly long ago, and I wasn’t flying solo.  Yes, my ladyfriend needed new undergarments, and of course I would never pass up the opportunity to see her picking out attractive yet comfortable and functional underthings!  However, this meant that I was the awkward person near the fitting rooms waiting for her to be done.  It’s weird when you’re a girl, because the store employees are super nice and they keep asking, “do you need help with anything?”  I wish I could say, “Nope, just waiting to see how great my ladyfriend’s rack looks when she comes out of that little room!”

But it gave me a new perspective on what guys must go through being the waiter-onner for someone trying stuff on.  More likely than not, most gentleman-friends aren’t interested in the wares of Victoria’s Secret (unless you’re helping pick things out), so you can’t even claim the pretext of “I’m just browsing” without probably feeling a little weird.  That’s gotta be rough!  So how do you do it?

The best trick I have learned in my not so long life is that it’s very important to always look like you know what you’re doing.  It’s part body language – stand up straight, be alert, and walk with confidence, my friend! – and part not looking like an overwhelmed lost puppy.  This means don’t hang out like a creeper by the fitting rooms.  It’s okay to wander around the store and look at other things.  Your ladyfriend can help you by letting you know what size she wears, so if you wanted you could pick things out for her to try on.  Everybody wins that way!

The other really important thing to remember is that it’s okay to touch the merchandise.  I’m not saying you can necessarily go fondle the cups on all the bras (and definitely don’t fondle any of the employees, that’s just a bad idea all the time), but you can pick things up and take a look at them.  Go one.  I know you have probably wondered what the difference between a regular bra and a push-up bra was.  Take a look!  You might be a little bummed out to find that thongs look uncomfortable just sitting on a table (and maybe you can draw the conclusion that although they’re pretty, they’re probably really uncomfortable in real life on a body too!)  But go ahead, look around and check out all the patterned underoos they have everywhere.

One other great distraction that Victoria’s Secret in particular has is a HUGE wall of lotions and smelly things.  Go smell them.  Yes, I’m totally serious.  If you haven’t, you’re missing out.  Find something delicious and ask your ladyfriend if she wants to smell like that sometimes, because she’ll probably be really glad you’re taking an interest in this store, and in how she smells!

Last but not least, if for some reason your lady won’t tell you her size and you feel super awkward, you can always reserve the right to agree to meet somewhere else after a given amount of time, possibly at another store.  That’s part of the wonder of cell phones and watches – instantaneous contact means you don’t really lose people in malls.  I would vote this as a last-ditch effort, though, because I think it’s important to get out and do stuff with your significant other.  And that’s what I think is really Victoria’s Secret.