Email Question 2: Electric Boogaloo

I got another email question!  I’m totally not sure if it’s a troll email or not, but here it is, and here’s my answers.

 

Q: Okay so I’ve been great friends with this girl and she considers me as her best friend..
I fear if I’ve been friendzoned already for I have feelings for her..

She cares a lot about me..
I do care a lot about her..
The thing is I fear if I ask her out, it might spoil our friendship.
So please I need your help..
What to do?
A: First thing you do, emailer friend, is to never use the verb “friendzone” ever, EVER again.  Everything about that term implies that the only goal of being in any sort of relationship (including a friendship) with a woman is sex, and that makes you kind of a douche.
The second thing you do is go back and read this.  I think it will help.
The third thing you need to do is make a list, and on one side put all the great parts about being friends with this lady.  Do you do fun things together?  Can you talk about a ton of stuff?  Great!  Now, what’s the only thing you’re standing to gain from turning this friendship into something else?  If the only thing you can come up with is “sex”, then you need to decide if trying to get sex from this friend of yours is worth the potential spoiling of your friendship.  You also have to brace yourself for the mad amounts of awkward if that goes awry.
Please, don’t consider the only goal of being friends with a girl to eventually end up boning her.  That’s horrible and isn’t worth anyone’s time.  For real though, you don’t want to end up like that guy.  If you have genuine feelings for her you should tell her, but if all you think you want is the sex, don’t do it.

How to: Not Talk To Gay People About Sex

Do any of you have something that really just grinds your gears and gets you every time?  I happen to have a lot of them, and if I were to list them all it would require more time and dedication than I could ever hope to expect from any of you.  Consider this an act of mercy that I’m only focusing on one moderately upsetting thing for today.

I had this particular thing in mind for today, because it happened to me last night.  Sometimes being gay can really stink, and a lot of those times happen when you’re interacting with other (mostly heterosexual) people.  One of those interactions I despise is when someone decides it’s a good idea to ask The Question.  You’ve probably encountered it, either in a movie, with friends, hell – maybe you’ve even asked it yourself.  The Question is, for me, as follows: “What do 2 girls, like, DO, y’know… In bed?”

It’s almost always followed by lots of nervous giggling on the part of the asker.

There are a couple of responses that I use for this question, and the one I pick depends upon how well I know the person asking me, and how much I want them to not hate me.

In this case, I was at a bar, so I was able to be all, “I haven’t had enough tequila for this talk”, and that seemed to work pretty well.  (Other fun responses are things like, “Let’s go find out” and “Please shut your face”, but my favorite is, “Well that depends. Are we sleeping or fucking?”)
I’m not a particularly private person.  I’m loud, kind of annoying, and really obnoxious.  I’m outspoken about a great deal of things.  And yet, this one single question leaves me feeling utterly flabbergasted.  I really think this is a prime example of straight privilege, because nobody asks a straight couple what THEY do in bed, right?  Because everyone knows.  But apparently asking gay folks is not only a) super appropriate and acceptable but 2) going to give you an answer to apply to every gay person ever (because we’re all the same, duh!)

I was told that I handled the question like a champ, but I’m still really riled about it.  I also told the particular asker to check things out on the internet.  It’s a wonderful place and there are TONS and TONS and TONS (etc. etc. ad nauseum) of resources on how two ladies might get it on.  Betcha you’ll never guess what happened next.

“I FEEL DIRTY DOING THAT.”

But you feel perfectly alright asking someone you don’t know very well TO THEIR FACE about their sex life?

It would be completely different if this person were asking me about things to do to make one’s sex life more interesting.  I personally feel I have a lot of really brilliant sexytime ideas, and since I’m obnoxiously outspoken, I find very little shame in sharing them.  This, however, was a whole ‘nother scenario.

The moral of the story this week is pretty simple: don’t be an ass.  I don’t care if you’re drunk, I don’t care if you once asked a gay person in a pride parade and they answered.  I’m a different human being, and you should fucking respect that.

We’ll be back for regularly scheduled shenanigans later on.


How To: Survive The Friend Zone

Hey look, I’m not dead and I haven’t quit on you kids just yet!

I had to take some time to figure out what I should cover here and what sort of things would actually make a good blog post.  And now, here I am.

Today I want to talk about the friend zone.  It’s that magically awful place you get stuck in when the friend you like doesn’t want to take your relationship to that next level.  The friend zone is almost invariably the worst possible place to be, going from responses I got from friends and the representations that appear in mass media.

Let’s start with a definition.  A friend zone is what one is placed in when the object of their affections says, “No thanks, but we can still be friends”.  There’s really no easy way to be in the friend zone, and that seems to be the root of the problem with it.  It’s not easy so we don’t want to do it ever.  It would totally be way easier if that person who friend zoned us would just say “Okay” and date us, right?  More on that in a minute.

I don’t know a single person who enjoys being rejected.  This goes for my friends who are actors, even though they put themselves in that position an awful lot.  However, there is a difference between being rejected and being put in the friend zone.  Being rejected means being dumped, thrown away, told you’re not good enough at all for someone or something.

My friend Aim made a really good point – if someone puts you in the friend zone after an awkward advance, that means they want to stay friends.  And that means, by extension, that they value your friendship enough to endure the awkward post-advance times with you.  Isn’t that an important thing to talk about?

It’s important to remember that when you’re thinking, “UGH why won’t he (or she) just DATE ME ALREADY?”  Because friendship is a valuable thing.  Remember that time I talked about Nice Guy Syndrome?  Nobody owes you a sexy relationship.  Nobody even owes you friendship, which if you think about it that way, makes friendship seem that much more valuable.

A concept that seems to go hand-in-hand with being friend zoned is that of oneitis.  This is where all you can think, talk, write, or worry about is that one person.  It’s easily confused with love, and even though I’m supposed to be this big oracle on relationship things and love and advice, I’m not entirely clear what the boundaries are here.  I think that, if you aren’t having feelings reciprocated, you need to take a step back and seriously think about your life and choices with regard to that particular person.

Most romantic comedies fall into this trap of romanticizing oneitis and demonizing the friend zone.  It’s really not a healthy way to portray these things.  First of all, your feelings may not be returned for some very good reasons, and you should probably find a friend to tell you exactly why.  Second, out of the hundreds of thousands of people you see in a day, what makes that one person so special?  I’m not advocating writing out any sonnets Shakespeare-style, describing your supposed heart’s desire or anything.  However, I do recommend making a list of things you know about the person you want to get with, and making a list of things you like in a person.

This takes some serious honesty on your part.  Don’t gloss over any flaws to make the other person seem better.  They’re never going to see this list.  What are the things you don’t like in a potential partner?  Does this person have any of those qualities?

Curing oneitis and surviving the friend zone are two totally different things.  The good part is it’s possible, but the bad part is that they require a brutal level of honesty that can usually only come from a close friend.  In my experience, this gets dicey when the person friend zoning you (or who is the target of the oneitis) happens to be your best friend.  Your best bet is to get down and dirty with the honesty, talk it out, and then decide if your friendship is better than any potential romantic relationship.  With a little luck you’ll get through it.

 

Send any questions to gaygirladvice @ gmail.com, or find me on Twitter!  Thanks for reading


How to: Talk About Sex

Hey!  HEY YOU GUYS!  So remember that one time I wrote about kinks, and about how some people give crappy advice to people when they come up?

My girlfriend and I went out to eat the other day, and I picked up a copy of The Onion.  In the back, they run Dan Savage’s column, Savage Love, and  as I was reading this particular issue, I noticed that people seem to 1. have a disturbing love for this book, 50 Shades of Grey, and 2. apparently have no idea how to talk to partners about sex.  Savage’s response to one of these women actually made me pretty annoyed, and almost angry.

And then, as if things could not get any more timely, a close friend of mine said that he and his partner were having some issues in the bedroom.  I did the, “Well, did you talk about it?” line of questions, and he kept balking, talking about how he did not want to hurt his partner’s feelings, how he didn’t want to cause trouble in the relationship, blah blah et cetera.

Talking about sex is a lot like talking about kinks.  The biggest difference is that usually, sex is not quite so shame-ridden as kinks can be.  There’s a larger number of people having sex in general, versus however many people might share a kink.  With a difference in numbers and with “everybody doing it”, you’d think it would be a hell of a lot easier to talk to one’s partner about sexytimes, right?

Well…. No.  It’s not.  And it’s not easy because of the reasons my friend brought up.  Hurting someone’s feelings probably is going to make you less likely to get sex from them, at least in the immediate future.  This isn’t necessarily a fact, but if you make someone feel bad, like, say, where sexual prowess is concerned, it doesn’t seem likely that that person will turn around and go, “Okay well how about we fix that RIGHT NOW?!” (however if you do have a partner like that, you have won at life)

Telling someone they’re not doing sex with you right is really difficult.  There isn’t a way to sugarcoat it, but there are a few ways to make it less awful for everyone.  You can always go with the direct approach.  Being as straightforward as possible and saying, “Look, this is something I have noticed in the bedroom and here is how I want it to change, can we work something out?” leaves practically no room for losing.  A similar way of getting your point across is by, in the heat of the moment, saying something like, “Hey, you know what would be hot?  If we ___________”, and then you let them know what you want.  This works especially well if it’s asking for a tweak in a sexy routine, e.g. who gets to be on top?

Another thing that works pretty well is a nonverbal approach.  If it’s a matter of one partner not getting off (and this being a problem), take some more direct control, if you know what I’m saying.  Move the other person’s hand to where you want it, and see where things go.  If they don’t go the way you want, either try again or talk it out.

Now, these tactics are all contingent on one thing – your partner agreeing with your suggested change.  If this does not happen, then a few things need to happen: you have to figure out how important this change is to you, you have to be absolutely certain your partner understands this is an important thing, and/or you have to start reconsidering your relationship with this person.

But wait – why did I bring up Dan Savage?  Because his advice sucked.  And why did his advice suck?  Because, if you go and read the third letter of the link above, he suggested that a 43-year-old housewife use a time machine to solve her problems.  I know this has a little more to do with kinks and fetishes, but a lot of Savage’s advice to women seems to be to DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already), especially if they are writing to him about their sex lives.

This is kind of unacceptable.  It’s funny that he has no problem talking to some cops about semi-public (male) masturbation, but when a woman wants some advice on bringing her husband into her experiment with BDSM, he dropped the ball.  The answer is not to go back in time and not dump the weird kinky guy she may or may not have dated twenty years ago.  The answer is to talk it out.  Bring up reasons she wants to try it.  Say things about how hot BDSM might be, give the husband an out and say, “Let’s just try it a couple of times and see if we like it.”

The one thing I want you all to take away from this is to not be afraid.  The absolute worst-case scenario of getting dumped because you want to improve your sex life with that person probably will turn out to not be a worst-case scenario.  And who knows?  Your partner might even surprise you, agree, or say, “I’m SO glad you brought this up!  I was wondering about this!”

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex!!!!


Moving Update

Well hello there!  Remember how I was moving?  Well, I moved.  I’m actually technically not done moving, but that’s really just how I work.

All in all things went better than expected, but due to crap planning on my part we slept on the floor the first night.  Not so comfy.  The next day I went out and bought a queen mattress, and there have been vast improvements in a lot of departments.

I am also now the proud mother of ridiculously fast internet, which I’m pretty sure is totally worth it.  It’s so nice to be able to cruise Tumblr and have all those .gif images loaded and moving properly!

All this aside, I’m really happy.  I’m actually a lot happier than I thought I could be, given that my girlfriend and I have been together so long and we know each other… I didn’t expect this weird feeling of relief mixed with utter elation.  Plus it’s awesome – I can walk to my gym, or tell people I have to get back to my apartment instead of my parents’ house. It’s basically like I’m a real adult!

We’re also down the block from some AWESOME bars.  Hellooooo alcohol consumption!

My advice to you, if you’re on the fence about moving in with a long-term significant other, is to freaking do it.  And then go buy a big mattress.  You’ll thank me, really.

Apart from all of the above, I’ve got some great stuff planned for you guys later on this week – another awesome list, and then some other things.  WOO.


The Trouble With Being A “Nice Guy”

Hey y’all!  No attractive ladies this time, unless you count ME.  But for serious, this is gonna be a pretty intense post so STRAP ON YOUR SEATBELTS!

Someone I have been chatting with online has recently completely exemplified Nice Guy Syndrome.  What’s Nice Guy Syndrome, you ask?  It’s the affliction many young men seem to have, where apart from being a totally nice guy, the dude in question might be using nice guy tactics to gain something FROM whoever is the target of his niceness.

There are whole websites devoted to discussing the ins and outs of Nice Guy Syndrome, and this one in particular has a great definition all laid out…

The technical definition of the nice guy syndrome, simply states that this is a set of behaviors and characteristics that certain guys possess and perform. These include things such as: going out of your way to please people; overly focusing on giving other people what they want; offering unreciprocated favors and gifts; as well as avoiding confrontations and disagreement at all cost.

Now here’s the tricky part about Nice Guy Syndrome… If you’re using any of these tactics to move yourself out of The Friend Zone and into someone’s pants, you’re being a problem.  It’s not cool.  Stop it.

Back to my acquaintance – when discussing people in a position of authority, he declared all of the women to be horrible, harridan-like bitches, but most of the guys were more than fine.  He also fails to understand why essentially being a doormat doesn’t land him knee-deep in ladybits.  These two things are connected and I’m going to come back to this.

In checking out NGS on the internets, I discovered there’s an ENTIRE wiki for geeky feminism!  SO COOL!  But the best part is that they have a fabulous set of reasons why this is problematic for all involved parties.

The biggest issue is that Nice Guys see themselves as a gift to womankind, and get really resentful when women don’t view them similarly.  For instance, a guy stuck in the Friend Zone with a particular lady will end up resenting her for rejecting him, and she’ll have no idea why.  This won’t end well for anyone involved, and that’s crazy and sad.  What you have to remember, everyone, is that just because you aren’t boinking a friend doesn’t make the relationship with that person a complete failure, or any less special.  In fact, I really enjoy having friends without the awkward added pressure of sexytimes interfering.  Maybe that’s just me, but I really just like having good buddies I haven’t seen naked.

Here’s another important thing to remember: rejection happens to EVERYONE.  Literally.  At one point or another, people get turned down for a number of things, be it sex, a date, an audition, an application for a job, an apartment, or even if a stray cat won’t come near them.  This shit happens, and instead of blaming everything else, pick yourself up and move on.

Now, what do these things have to do with my Nice Guy acquaintance?  Here’s the thing: his resentment of some (or a couple) girls who have rejected his romantic advances has bled over and tainted his view of all womankind.  This is especially true for the women who have some sort of authority over him, which explains why he hates all his female bosses.  Long story short, he hates them because they’re extensions of people who won’t have sex with him.  With me so far?  Good.

Here comes the really REALLY important part.  What do you do if you think you might have some issues with Nice Guy Syndrome?

First, take a look at why you feel the way you feel about people around you.  Do you think, if you have friends you want to date, that whoever they’re dating is a douchebag?  Why?  Because they’re succeeding where you think you’re failing.

You might actually be a really, really nice dude, and that’s totally fine.  Actually, that’s more than fine – usually when you’re nice, people think you’re a good person.  Here’s the thing, though.  Other people are nice, too.  Other people are good people who feed strays and pick up litter and listen to female friends’ problems they’re having.  And you know what, they don’t get a medal for that, and they don’t feel they need one.  It’s a good feeling to be a good person, and usually that’s reward enough.

Step back, take a look at why you’re being good.  I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better about your life (and maybe even end up knee-deep in ladybits) if you start being a nice guy for the right reasons.


How to: Survive Victoria’s Secret

The vast majority of women in America wear underthings.  Of that majority, a lot of them seem to like having really nice underthings.  You know, there’s just something super-swell that makes me feel great when I wear nice underthings.

Enough about my underpants.  Women sometimes go to places like Victoria’s Secret and are bombarded with 8,000 kinds of bras, and about 7 options for underwear styles.  It’s gonna take them some time to get through all this stuff, even if they thought they knew what they wanted before you even left the house.

I went on one such excursion not too terribly long ago, and I wasn’t flying solo.  Yes, my ladyfriend needed new undergarments, and of course I would never pass up the opportunity to see her picking out attractive yet comfortable and functional underthings!  However, this meant that I was the awkward person near the fitting rooms waiting for her to be done.  It’s weird when you’re a girl, because the store employees are super nice and they keep asking, “do you need help with anything?”  I wish I could say, “Nope, just waiting to see how great my ladyfriend’s rack looks when she comes out of that little room!”

But it gave me a new perspective on what guys must go through being the waiter-onner for someone trying stuff on.  More likely than not, most gentleman-friends aren’t interested in the wares of Victoria’s Secret (unless you’re helping pick things out), so you can’t even claim the pretext of “I’m just browsing” without probably feeling a little weird.  That’s gotta be rough!  So how do you do it?

The best trick I have learned in my not so long life is that it’s very important to always look like you know what you’re doing.  It’s part body language – stand up straight, be alert, and walk with confidence, my friend! – and part not looking like an overwhelmed lost puppy.  This means don’t hang out like a creeper by the fitting rooms.  It’s okay to wander around the store and look at other things.  Your ladyfriend can help you by letting you know what size she wears, so if you wanted you could pick things out for her to try on.  Everybody wins that way!

The other really important thing to remember is that it’s okay to touch the merchandise.  I’m not saying you can necessarily go fondle the cups on all the bras (and definitely don’t fondle any of the employees, that’s just a bad idea all the time), but you can pick things up and take a look at them.  Go one.  I know you have probably wondered what the difference between a regular bra and a push-up bra was.  Take a look!  You might be a little bummed out to find that thongs look uncomfortable just sitting on a table (and maybe you can draw the conclusion that although they’re pretty, they’re probably really uncomfortable in real life on a body too!)  But go ahead, look around and check out all the patterned underoos they have everywhere.

One other great distraction that Victoria’s Secret in particular has is a HUGE wall of lotions and smelly things.  Go smell them.  Yes, I’m totally serious.  If you haven’t, you’re missing out.  Find something delicious and ask your ladyfriend if she wants to smell like that sometimes, because she’ll probably be really glad you’re taking an interest in this store, and in how she smells!

Last but not least, if for some reason your lady won’t tell you her size and you feel super awkward, you can always reserve the right to agree to meet somewhere else after a given amount of time, possibly at another store.  That’s part of the wonder of cell phones and watches – instantaneous contact means you don’t really lose people in malls.  I would vote this as a last-ditch effort, though, because I think it’s important to get out and do stuff with your significant other.  And that’s what I think is really Victoria’s Secret.


Awesome Out Actresses

Jane Lynch

Your favorite scary cheerleading coach is out, and I do believe she just got married awhile ago.  I love her.  She’s nothing but funny and she’s been in EVERYTHING – a ton of rad mockumentaries, The L Word (where she was awesome and got to rock lots of power suits), and of course, Glee.  She hosts award shows and is totally badass.  Seriously.

Kirsten Vangsness

Man, I love watching crime shows.  I especially love Criminal Minds, because they have HER!  Kirsten Vangsness is a really funny lady, plus she plays an awesome computer whiz/hacker type.  Her outfits make me smile and, if you google her, she dresses as flamboyantly in real life too!  AMAZING.  And there’s also this:

You can’t tell me that’s not awesome.  I mean, redhead, activist, attractive, glasses… COME ON.

Sara Gilbert

Yes, Darlene is gay.  And she is also dating Linda Perry which is pretty rad.  And she’s a pretty awesome human.  SERIOUSLY.  Is anyone else really glad she doesn’t dress like she did on Roseanne anymore?  I know I am.

Clementine Ford

Oh, favorite bit character on The L Word, also Cybil Shepard’s daughter, also AWESOME.  And hot, let’s not forget hot.  Just look at that lady.  There’s no way you can say she’s not hot.  If you do we’ll fight.

Alexandra Hedison

Sexy photographer who dated Ellen DeGeneres at one time.  Do I really need to elaborate?

Heather Matarazzo

Oh look, it’s everyone’s favorite awkward girl/plucky sidekick!  Also she had a probably-totally-gratuitous death scene in the second Hostel film. I love how well she nails the “best friend” role, and I really want her to be MY best friend (apologies to my actual best friends)

Portia deRossi/DeGeneres

Okay, if this woman isn’t simultaneously the hottest AND luckiest woman ever, then I am clearly in the wrong line of existence.  I love her, and I love her wife.  This is the only instance in which I would support polygamist marriage.  And I think that’s an okay thing.

Jenny Shimizu

Talk about your favorite gender-bender, Jenny Shimizu is totally mine.  She looks damn fine in a tux, plus she possibly may have theoretically allegedly dated Angelina Jolie.  So really, she’s pretty great.  She also models and does some other great stuff.

Amber Heard (I HAVE TO INCLUDE HER AGAIN)

Slight obsession with her, GET OVER IT.  Apparently she’s also single, so I may have to start thinking of really good apologies to send my girlfriend.  And also start raising bail money for staying out of jail for stalking.  (Kidding!?)


Types

I was bumbling around for a bit trying to think up a topic for a post.  Sometimes I get lucky and I come up with a brilliant idea on my own, and other times I get squished a little bit under that big brick called “writer’s block”.  There are some other happy occasions, though, where a friend of mine makes a comment and it just sparks a great idea.

Josh, buddy, this one’s for you.

Josh is an awesome dude, he’s that smart, funny, creative sort a lot of people claim they want to be with, but he is also perennially single.  Why?  Because people have decided he’s not their “type”.

Do you ever look at girls and wonder if they’re your “type”?  Do you have a type?  What the hell does that even mean?

The way I understand it, having a type is like making an excuse to not spend time with someone.  I heard that I wasn’t someone’s type because I’m not blonde, or I’m not especially slender, or I’m not girly enough and they only like dating “girly girls”.  This blew my mind especially because, in the gay community, there ain’t a whole lot of us to go around anyway – why would you make it harder?

I think the same thing goes for the straight folks out there, too.  I’ve got a lot of rad straight female friends, and a lot of rad straight male friends, but they all seem to have “types”, just like they all seem not to be someone else’s “type”.

This is really a lame excuse to let someone down, it’s a nice way of saying “I don’t think you’re ______ enough” or more generally “I don’t think you’re good enough for me”.

I’mma drop some knowledge on you, gents, so put on your hard hats.  You aren’t exactly prime pickings, despite what other people might say to boost your ego in a contrary manner.  Seriously, who the hell do you think you are that you’re some great friggin’ gift to womankind and you can pick whomever you want, so you exclude someone that doesn’t spend a ton of time on her appearance, or doesn’t do this or doesn’t have this one particular physical trait?

Seriously, once you boil it down, talking about someone not being your “type” just makes you sound like an asshole and a douchebag, and what is it I say about assholes and douchebags?

Do you know what it does to people who are awesome, single folks that just want to be loved?  Do you know what happens when they hear, “Sorry, you’re just not my type” from somebody?  It’s basically like kicking them in the groin, throwing sand in their eyes, and spitting on them after they fall.  They put themselves on the line and someone thinks they’re so much better than they are.  Everyone deserves a good reason, not just a recycled line.

If you’re not physically attracted to them, say that instead.  It’s probably going to suck more in the short term, but you’ll do more damage in the long run by sending them the shit excuse of “type”.

It is absolutely, completely, totally 100% okay to not be interested in someone romantically, but to write them off with a crap line like “you’re not my type” shuts out the possibility of friendships, too.  And with your luck, or hopefully a good sense of karma, whomever you reject will end up having a hot friend that wanted to date someone like you.

The moral of the story isn’t to let people down easy, or to do things the easy way, it’s to do things the RIGHT way, and as you should all know by now, the right way involves not being an ass.  You’re smarter than that, and whichever brave girl is trying to ask you out deserves more respect.


Kinks and Fetishes

So let’s talk about sex.  I know, I know, I’ve been cruel to you by teasing you about this for awhile now.  Let’s get down to business.

Kinks are little twists that someone has, a little bit of an unusual thing someone likes to do in sexy situations.  This can range from something as simple as light spanking to full-on bondage and potentially a taste for BDSM.  Let’s be clear though, there’s a separation of kinks and fetishes.  I’ve been preparing this post for awhile, so I’ve done some homework here.  There IS actually a difference!  What is it?  Some students at the Connecticut College Voice had the following to say:

“Sexual fetishes are sexual responses to objects, or objectified body parts, that are not usually considered sexual in nature… Kinks on the other hand, are enjoyable activities that do not have to be practiced for sexual gratification (however, if you always indulge your partner’s kink, they will probably be eternally grateful). They can involve objects or objectification, but certainly don’t have to, and don’t have to be the main focus of a sexual encounter.”

I really couldn’t have said this better myself.  A fetish is a sexualized response to any non-traditional thing – feet, latex, certain fiber materials, bodily fluids not normally associated with sex – take your pick.  People might have a fruit fetish or something.  Whatever, that’s their thing.  Like I said before, kinks are just like the icing on the cake – sex is awesome but sex with kinks is even better.

This all being said, it’s important to know how to discuss a kink or fetish with a sex partner, but especially with a ladyfriend.  With the advent of the internets, it has become oodles easier to find people with common sexual interests.  You can google your particular kink or fetish and probably find at least one other human being that’s into the same thing.  In fact, a certain nameless friend of mine says he’s more likely to talk to people that are more open about their kinks.  That makes stuff a whole lot easier for finding a partner to play with, but what do you do if you’re dating someone and she doesn’t know?

Columnist Dan Savage tackles questions like this on practically a weekly basis (seriously I checked the archives), and by and large he gives the same advice to people: be up-front about it and if the don’t like it, dump them.

However, I don’t think things ever get to be that simple.  It sucks, I know, but here comes the explanation.  If you’re with an awesome lady and you haven’t discussed the potentially odd particulars of your sexual appetite, then you do need to drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, and dive into that subject.  It might end up being a really, really difficult conversation.  You may have to endure an upset girlfriend, and it may even be that she’s weirded out by your particular interest.  She could very well call you a pervert, depending on how depraved she thinks your interest might be (your kink or fetish could also be illegal in your state, you might want to check that out first too).  I really think you should err on the side of a better sex life.  Because really, aside from companionship and emotional bonding, why do we get together with other people?  It’s the sex.  It’s always the sex.

Disclaimer aside, how do you actually sit down and have this conversation?  Well, I polled the advisers, and two responses really stuck out to me.  Rachael said that it all comes down to trust.  “It’s tough because it’s a trust thing, so if you’re not confident in your relationship or comfortable with your partner it’d be tough”.  I responded that it can be like admitting you love a horrible song (which in some ways, it is – you can endure the laughter and ridicule for that too!)

Once again my awesome ladyfriend came to my rescue with a great little “how-to” for this conversation.  So here it is, boys, the Gay Girl’s Semi-Definitive Guide to Talking About Kinks and Fetishes.

1. Be absolutely certain you need this thing for a better sex life.  If it helps you get off, great, but if it’s standing between you and an orgasm and thus disabling your sex life, then you should probably have the talk.

2. Discuss this in a totally non-sexual situation.  If you’re in bed and could be in a sexy situation soon, I’d say don’t do it.  This could cause confusion and be seen as a creepy way of forcing her into trying whatever you’re talking about, and that is just NOT cool.

3. Follow the script.  Be sure to make a point of starting out the statement with, “If you’re not into this, I am willing to work on that, but…” This helps take that confusion and pressure off the lady, and lets her know that she is free to make the choice to say no.

4. Be prepared to accept a negative answer.  I’m not talking about a drink thrown in your face or a break-up, but be prepared for the woman to say “no way, Jose!”  If she doesn’t want you sucking her toes or doesn’t want to poop on you or tie you up or whatever, let her have the room to say so.

5. Have a back-up plan.  Obviously the ideal outcome is that she accepts your kink or fetish and is willing to try it.  In the unfortunate event that she doesn’t, have a back-up plan.  Is it a dealbreaker?  Can you work around it?  (Notice this ties in with step 1…)

The extreme negative response (being called a perv, screaming, a break-up, etc.) is going to be a harsh thing to deal with, but fear not, there are other people out there.  Chances are you’ll find someone just as willing to get freaky as you are.  It’s really important to not be bitter about that; always remember that your kinks aren’t going to be some other person’s kinks, just like your fetishes aren’t always going to be another person’s fetishes.  And that’s all okay.

There’s a ton of trust that goes into a relationship, and talking to another person about your innermost sexual desires and secrets is a big nod to how much you trust them.  If you know them well enough to trust them, hopefully you can gauge their reaction.  I mentioned before that there’s the option of dumping.  Well, yes, but if she’s cool enough to have earned your trust and you’ve talked to her about this thing, and she respectfully and politely declines, what do you do?  Do you dump her anyway because you can’t get off with her?

Psh, no way.  You already have the fetish, why not go ahead and have a talk with the lady about multiple (safe!!!!!) sexual partners?  At this point, if your thing is your thing and you can’t work around it any other way, follow the script again, only with the concept of taking lovers so that you can all stay happy and get off and such.  It IS possible to have a stable relationship like that – just give it a chance.

Remember guys, that there is always an alternative, and always a way to be happy.  It might not be traditional or “right” in some people’s opinions, but hey – fuck ’em, it’s your sex life.