WHOA

Hey everybody, thanks to you guys wanting more of my fabulous advice, I just broke 2,000 all-time views on this little blog!

That’s pretty spectacular, and I’m really really flattered.

You know what else is awesome?  Suggestions!  Don’t panic, I have some posts coming up, but if you have questions or suggestions or you just want to say “hello”, leave a comment or email me directly at gaygirladvice (at) gmail.com

Really, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for reading this.

Advertisements

V-Day 2012

Did you survive it?

I had an awesome day.  It was great!  The lady and I modified/concocted our own romantic comedy drinking game and finished a bottle of wine well before the movie was over.

We took a drink for the following:

– every time the male lead does something douchebaggy

– every time a female character says something disparaging about men

– every time there is an almost-kiss

– every time a minority sidekick is on screen (this is the token rule, where a main character has a buddy who is not straight, white, etc.)

With these rules in mind, you’re probably wondering what we watched.  Have you ever heard of The Accidental Husband?  I won’t blame you if you say “No”.  It was SO BAD.  Seriously, look at how it did on Rotten Tomatoes.

This was officially the worst movie I have seen to date, and I would like you to keep in mind that I usually really like awful movies.

Aside from the really tired “practical advice-giving woman ruins someone’s future plans and he gets revenge” plot, this was chock-full of idiotic stereotypes about how men act.  SERIOUSLY.  The main dude (Jeffrey Dean Morgan with a thick Brooklyn accent), apart from his douchey revenge plot (wherein his like, 10-year-old neighbor kid hacks into the New York Marriage Registry and changes his status to married to the radio announcer practical advice-giving woman), just wanted to marry some lady.  I felt kind of bad for him until he started acting douchey.

Then there was the other part, where radio announcer lady (Uma Thurman) wanted to marry Colin Firth (and really, who could blame her?)  Mad amounts of hijinks ensue and obviously there’s some weirdness and guess who ends up together?

This was officially the most boring, idiotic, and predictable movie.  I rarely watch movies that make me really glad I’m drunk, but this was certainly one of them.  It’s a reminder that we either need to get rid of romantic comedies as a genre, or that we need to make them a lot better and actually funny.  When the only fun part about a movie is the venerable Sam Shepard as Uma Thurman’s dad, you know you’re in trouble.

The important thing here, though, is that we had an awesome time!  I really enjoyed spending time getting silly with my girl, and you know what?  I know I’d enjoy doing that with some friends too.  If you’re still feeling bummed out about being single, call up your friends and make a drinking game.  There are A TON OF THEM.  Google that and get on it.


How to: Survive Valentine’s Day When Single

So… Tomorrow.  Oh, boy.

Tomorrow’s one of those days people have a LOT of feelings about.  It’s Valentine’s Day.  For me, I like the day because it has personal significance!  This was the first weekend my ladyfriend (the same one with whom I celebrated our 3rd anniversary not too long ago) came to visit me by herself and spent the weekend in my dorm room (MINDS.  OUT.  OF.  GUTTER.)

But for a lot of people, particularly single people, this is a day filled with sadness, resentment, wearing black and binging on chocolate and/or alcohol.

Just because I haven’t spent V-Day single in awhile doesn’t mean I don’t have some GREAT ideas for you non-romantically-connected folks!  Here we go!

First and foremost, treat yourself to something awesome.  Go to the movie none of your friends want to see, put your favorite record on and dance like a whacko, buy yourself some fancy chocolate or nice booze or even a new pair of pants!  When I am in need of cheering up and I have some space alone, I pull out my inner Sasha Fierce.

Oh yeah.  You know what this means.

If doing things solo that way makes you feel bad, you can always count on FMyLife to have the best and worst of humanity’s suffering.  It may not be a good day for you, but on that website, someone’s always got it worse.  If you don’t think so, you can always submit your own tale of woe, right?

Have a video game marathon if you’re one of those stereotypical single dudes (or ladies)!  Nobody’s around to tell you to stop playing and pay attention or do whatever, so go for it!  If you have an important thing to do, try not to forget it, but really, what’s the harm in killing some zombies or driving a car that you stole (IN A GAME)?

These next two could be combined, but your mileage may vary!

Have a movie marathon.  Invite your friends over and watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies!  Or all of the Star Wars movies.  Or Star Trek, or superhero movies, or Animal House, or something with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in it.  If you purchased nice alcohol and/or chocolates earlier, share them with your best buddies – it’ll only get great from there.

If you really want to have a good time, have a romantic comedy movie marathon, but make it into a drinking/chocolate eating game.  You might end up sick afterward, but hey – how else does one get through formulaic and stupidly heterosexual idyllic cliche garbage flicks involving Channing Tatum or Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan/every actor who needed a paycheck?  There are a couple guides on teh interwebz, but you can always make up your own rules, too!

Okay, now it is time for me to be serious with you.  Do not, under pretty much any circumstances other than “you need a ride to the hospital and nobody else is answering”, and I mean this: DO NOT CALL YOUR EX.  It won’t end well, it will be extra super weird because it’s Valentine’s Day and just don’t do it!  Remember that you broke up for some reasons.  I don’t mean that from a place of bitterness or resentment, but there were reasons and you should continue to remember those.

Also important: DO NOT DRINK ALONE.

drinking will not help your "forever alone" status or feelings

Seriously, drinking alone is not good.  Even if you’re chatting online, it does not count.  My rule is you have to be physically in the same space with another living, breathing human being in order to have safe drinking times.

Eating chocolate alone, however, is totally more than acceptable.

GO.  BE VALENTINE-Y!


How to: Survive A Fancy Restaurant

Hello and welcome back to me, I’ve been off doing silly things like studying for classes and celebrating my 3-year anniversary with my wonderful girlfriend!

To mark this amazing occasion, the lady took me out to a fancy-pants restaurant (or at least a lot fancier than places we usually eat, like McDonald’s…) The waitstaff was wearing nice pressed white shirts, white aprons, and very fancy dark blue jeans, so it wasn’t necessarily a black-tie place, but we dressed up nonetheless, ate some fancy food, drank some fancy wine, and had a great time!

Over the course of the evening, from the preparation to the restaurant events, got me thinking: Valentine’s day is coming up, and probably some folks are gonna go to a fancy restaurant.  Through my extensive field research and my own mistakes, I have created a how-to survival guide for just such an occasion!  LUCKY YOU.

First of all, pick the restaurant well before you go.  Most places have websites now, and sometimes you can even check out the menu before you get there.  DO THIS.  Reading up on the place and practicing pronouncing dishes (plus maybe looking at what’s IN dishes like that on Google or something), is a really great tactic.  This way you look smooth, smart, and above all, prepared.  And don’t forget to make a reservation.  Show up on time.  It’s kind of rude to go to a place and expect them to have held your table for you, especially when Valentine’s Day is probably the busiest restaurant day ever.

Second, dress up!  For god’s sake, isn’t it fun to put on nice clean clothes, make sure you’re all gussied up and lookin’ hot?  It’s different from going to a club where you’re trying to attract attention, and different from like a funeral or wedding where you HAVE to dress up.  This is where you can let these two styles collide – the dressy bit and the flair!  Don’t you dare wear a novelty tie, though, those things are not funny and I have no idea why they still make them.  You can ask what sort of outfit your date will be wearing, and try to dress so you don’t clash horribly (but you don’t have to match – that’s way too “high school prom”)

Next we get to the behavioral aspects of your night out!  I realize this is going to sound very old-fashioned, but wait for your lady to sit down, pull her chair out, push it in for her.  Be genuine and polite.  I hope you still genuinely enjoy her company!  My girlfriend did this for me and it was surprising and adorable at the same time.  It’s not about “putting a woman in her place” in this instance; it’s about showing you still really care about her.

When you’re ordering anything at a restaurant, do NOT, under any circumstances, give a waiter a “thumbs-up” or an “okay” sign.  I did this and I still feel stupid about it!  To be fair, I had a mouthful of appetizer when he presented the bottle of wine for tasting, and I nodded while chewing and gave the “okay” sign – I’m feeling a right idiot more than a week later, how do you think you will feel after Valentine’s Day?  Since my hindsight is 20/20, I should have nodded, put up a finger in the “one moment please” gesture, and finished my mouthful.  Bam, survival tip you can use over and over again!

Don’t rest your elbows on the table.  If you have to rest your hands somewhere, put one hand on a lap, and have your other forearm resting on the edge of the table.  Sit up relatively straight, so your nice clothes don’t get all messed up.  You’ll look better and more attentive to your sweetheart anyway.  Also, remember that you’re wearing really nice pants that you don’t want to drop food/wipe food on!  They give you big napkins at most restaurants, so shake ’em out and set them on your lap.  Cover those slacks, chaps, it’s okay to protect ’em!  Just don’t forget it’s on your lap when you stand up to leave – that will also be kind of embarrassing.

I hope you all have a great way of celebrating Valentine’s Day!  And who knows, later in the week there might be a “how to survive Valentine’s Day” guide for you single folks!  Thanks for reading!