How to: Survive Victoria’s SecretPosted: 01/11/2012
The vast majority of women in America wear underthings. Of that majority, a lot of them seem to like having really nice underthings. You know, there’s just something super-swell that makes me feel great when I wear nice underthings.
Enough about my underpants. Women sometimes go to places like Victoria’s Secret and are bombarded with 8,000 kinds of bras, and about 7 options for underwear styles. It’s gonna take them some time to get through all this stuff, even if they thought they knew what they wanted before you even left the house.
I went on one such excursion not too terribly long ago, and I wasn’t flying solo. Yes, my ladyfriend needed new undergarments, and of course I would never pass up the opportunity to see her picking out attractive yet comfortable and functional underthings! However, this meant that I was the awkward person near the fitting rooms waiting for her to be done. It’s weird when you’re a girl, because the store employees are super nice and they keep asking, “do you need help with anything?” I wish I could say, “Nope, just waiting to see how great my ladyfriend’s rack looks when she comes out of that little room!”
But it gave me a new perspective on what guys must go through being the waiter-onner for someone trying stuff on. More likely than not, most gentleman-friends aren’t interested in the wares of Victoria’s Secret (unless you’re helping pick things out), so you can’t even claim the pretext of “I’m just browsing” without probably feeling a little weird. That’s gotta be rough! So how do you do it?
The best trick I have learned in my not so long life is that it’s very important to always look like you know what you’re doing. It’s part body language – stand up straight, be alert, and walk with confidence, my friend! – and part not looking like an overwhelmed lost puppy. This means don’t hang out like a creeper by the fitting rooms. It’s okay to wander around the store and look at other things. Your ladyfriend can help you by letting you know what size she wears, so if you wanted you could pick things out for her to try on. Everybody wins that way!
The other really important thing to remember is that it’s okay to touch the merchandise. I’m not saying you can necessarily go fondle the cups on all the bras (and definitely don’t fondle any of the employees, that’s just a bad idea all the time), but you can pick things up and take a look at them. Go one. I know you have probably wondered what the difference between a regular bra and a push-up bra was. Take a look! You might be a little bummed out to find that thongs look uncomfortable just sitting on a table (and maybe you can draw the conclusion that although they’re pretty, they’re probably really uncomfortable in real life on a body too!) But go ahead, look around and check out all the patterned underoos they have everywhere.
One other great distraction that Victoria’s Secret in particular has is a HUGE wall of lotions and smelly things. Go smell them. Yes, I’m totally serious. If you haven’t, you’re missing out. Find something delicious and ask your ladyfriend if she wants to smell like that sometimes, because she’ll probably be really glad you’re taking an interest in this store, and in how she smells!
Last but not least, if for some reason your lady won’t tell you her size and you feel super awkward, you can always reserve the right to agree to meet somewhere else after a given amount of time, possibly at another store. That’s part of the wonder of cell phones and watches – instantaneous contact means you don’t really lose people in malls. I would vote this as a last-ditch effort, though, because I think it’s important to get out and do stuff with your significant other. And that’s what I think is really Victoria’s Secret.