So let’s talk about sex. I know, I know, I’ve been cruel to you by teasing you about this for awhile now. Let’s get down to business.
Kinks are little twists that someone has, a little bit of an unusual thing someone likes to do in sexy situations. This can range from something as simple as light spanking to full-on bondage and potentially a taste for BDSM. Let’s be clear though, there’s a separation of kinks and fetishes. I’ve been preparing this post for awhile, so I’ve done some homework here. There IS actually a difference! What is it? Some students at the Connecticut College Voice had the following to say:
“Sexual fetishes are sexual responses to objects, or objectified body parts, that are not usually considered sexual in nature… Kinks on the other hand, are enjoyable activities that do not have to be practiced for sexual gratification (however, if you always indulge your partner’s kink, they will probably be eternally grateful). They can involve objects or objectification, but certainly don’t have to, and don’t have to be the main focus of a sexual encounter.”
I really couldn’t have said this better myself. A fetish is a sexualized response to any non-traditional thing – feet, latex, certain fiber materials, bodily fluids not normally associated with sex – take your pick. People might have a fruit fetish or something. Whatever, that’s their thing. Like I said before, kinks are just like the icing on the cake – sex is awesome but sex with kinks is even better.
This all being said, it’s important to know how to discuss a kink or fetish with a sex partner, but especially with a ladyfriend. With the advent of the internets, it has become oodles easier to find people with common sexual interests. You can google your particular kink or fetish and probably find at least one other human being that’s into the same thing. In fact, a certain nameless friend of mine says he’s more likely to talk to people that are more open about their kinks. That makes stuff a whole lot easier for finding a partner to play with, but what do you do if you’re dating someone and she doesn’t know?
Columnist Dan Savage tackles questions like this on practically a weekly basis (seriously I checked the archives), and by and large he gives the same advice to people: be up-front about it and if the don’t like it, dump them.
However, I don’t think things ever get to be that simple. It sucks, I know, but here comes the explanation. If you’re with an awesome lady and you haven’t discussed the potentially odd particulars of your sexual appetite, then you do need to drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, and dive into that subject. It might end up being a really, really difficult conversation. You may have to endure an upset girlfriend, and it may even be that she’s weirded out by your particular interest. She could very well call you a pervert, depending on how depraved she thinks your interest might be (your kink or fetish could also be illegal in your state, you might want to check that out first too). I really think you should err on the side of a better sex life. Because really, aside from companionship and emotional bonding, why do we get together with other people? It’s the sex. It’s always the sex.
Disclaimer aside, how do you actually sit down and have this conversation? Well, I polled the advisers, and two responses really stuck out to me. Rachael said that it all comes down to trust. “It’s tough because it’s a trust thing, so if you’re not confident in your relationship or comfortable with your partner it’d be tough”. I responded that it can be like admitting you love a horrible song (which in some ways, it is – you can endure the laughter and ridicule for that too!)
Once again my awesome ladyfriend came to my rescue with a great little “how-to” for this conversation. So here it is, boys, the Gay Girl’s Semi-Definitive Guide to Talking About Kinks and Fetishes.
1. Be absolutely certain you need this thing for a better sex life. If it helps you get off, great, but if it’s standing between you and an orgasm and thus disabling your sex life, then you should probably have the talk.
2. Discuss this in a totally non-sexual situation. If you’re in bed and could be in a sexy situation soon, I’d say don’t do it. This could cause confusion and be seen as a creepy way of forcing her into trying whatever you’re talking about, and that is just NOT cool.
3. Follow the script. Be sure to make a point of starting out the statement with, “If you’re not into this, I am willing to work on that, but…” This helps take that confusion and pressure off the lady, and lets her know that she is free to make the choice to say no.
4. Be prepared to accept a negative answer. I’m not talking about a drink thrown in your face or a break-up, but be prepared for the woman to say “no way, Jose!” If she doesn’t want you sucking her toes or doesn’t want to poop on you or tie you up or whatever, let her have the room to say so.
5. Have a back-up plan. Obviously the ideal outcome is that she accepts your kink or fetish and is willing to try it. In the unfortunate event that she doesn’t, have a back-up plan. Is it a dealbreaker? Can you work around it? (Notice this ties in with step 1…)
The extreme negative response (being called a perv, screaming, a break-up, etc.) is going to be a harsh thing to deal with, but fear not, there are other people out there. Chances are you’ll find someone just as willing to get freaky as you are. It’s really important to not be bitter about that; always remember that your kinks aren’t going to be some other person’s kinks, just like your fetishes aren’t always going to be another person’s fetishes. And that’s all okay.
There’s a ton of trust that goes into a relationship, and talking to another person about your innermost sexual desires and secrets is a big nod to how much you trust them. If you know them well enough to trust them, hopefully you can gauge their reaction. I mentioned before that there’s the option of dumping. Well, yes, but if she’s cool enough to have earned your trust and you’ve talked to her about this thing, and she respectfully and politely declines, what do you do? Do you dump her anyway because you can’t get off with her?
Psh, no way. You already have the fetish, why not go ahead and have a talk with the lady about multiple (safe!!!!!) sexual partners? At this point, if your thing is your thing and you can’t work around it any other way, follow the script again, only with the concept of taking lovers so that you can all stay happy and get off and such. It IS possible to have a stable relationship like that – just give it a chance.
Remember guys, that there is always an alternative, and always a way to be happy. It might not be traditional or “right” in some people’s opinions, but hey – fuck ’em, it’s your sex life.
Okay boys, I’m trying something a little different today. Sometimes I just wanna look at hot girls, know what I mean? Of course you do. Well today I’m gonna give you some pretty ladies who are awesome, talented in some way or another, and really attractive. And not on your team. Why? Because I can. Why else? Because I like to change people’s perceptions of gay and queer ladies sometimes, and now I can do that online! Don’t worry, I’ll get you back with some ladies that top my “Should Be Gay” list.
ENOUGH TALK ALREADY! Let’s get to some unreasonably amazing and attractive ladies!!!!!
Okay, this girl is absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention she’s like 25 and has been in some nifty movies like Zombieland and Drive Angry. She’s got that classic 40s movie star look about her, and yes. She’s dating a lady. Also, she’s into muscle cars and guns, and has been interviewed on Top Gear… Marry me, Amber?
This lady made big news by coming out publicly while being a big deal in the country music world. I don’t know a lot about country, but I do know Ms Wright is hot and probably really talented too.
One half of the music duo Tegan and Sara, I feel as though Sara is the more attractive twin. Not to mention an AWESOME guitarist. Go see them live, check out the awesome things they do to raise money for stuff (like sell their own instruments to make money for Tsunami victims)
Oh lord, where do I start with her? My girlfriend doesn’t like her because I am in love with Heather Peace. Why? She plays an awesomely butch cop on an awesomely gay show (Lip Service) and is a pretty decent musician. Not to mention that sense of style, I mean… Really.
Okay. Tattoos… Out-drinking Bam Margera… Dating ladies… Where do I sign up? This little spitfire is a hot Australian and probably a future ex-girlfriend of mine.
Well duh. She drank blood, adopted orphans from like fifteen countries, played one of the biggest gay lady icons (dykon, if you will) EVER, of course she’s dated women. She dated a female costar of a movie they play on Lifetime, Jenny Shimizu, and has said she’d have married her if not for whats his face (SCANDAL)
I’m madly in love with this woman. If you’ve never heard her music, shame on you. Go see her live, buy her records. I would part with at least one limb to meet her, and then I’d die happier than you could ever imagine. I love Brandi Carlile. Her music rocks, she’s super good-lookin’, and… Um… Yeah, nothing more constructive to say about this.
Your favorite vampire food is WHAT?! Yeah, she also dates chicks. Or at least has dated chicks. This makes her a-okay in my book/on my blog, not to mention she’s friggin HOT.
Is there anything better than a gorgeous woman who can cook? Yes. A gorgeous GAY woman who can cook. At least, for me. She’s an Iron Chef for god’s sake, and she has 4 kids. I can’t decide if I want her to adopt me or date me – either way I want her to cook for me.
The extremely fabulous Margaret Cho is also, GASP, bisexual! She’s been a big advocate for the queer community, not to mention she’s an attractive, witty, curvy, tattooed lady (now who does that sound like…? Oh, me!)
ABS! I mean, seriously, she’s unreasonably hot AND fit… It’s rumored she dated Jillian Michaels back in the day (who would be on this list if I could photoshop out her face), and Ms Warner had a show about her gym and life called “Work Out” which involved her dealing with crazy girlfriends. Now she’s got one called “Thintervention” and I just have to say, Jackie Warner you can put me through your boot camp ANYTIME. Seriously. Call me.
Okay, before I go any further, let’s just give a great big thank-you wave to the folks down under, because this Australian musician not only makes awesome music but she’s SO HOT. Why are Australians so hot? Are there any ugly people from there? Anyway, Missy here is not so openly bisexual, but has some songs about being queerly inclined like this one. She’s said in interviews she hopes people will focus on her music instead of her personal life. I’m pretty sure I can do both.
The British version of Katy Perry is actually… BISEXUAL. OH NOES. I can’t say I love her music, but she’s cute and pretty open about herself, “I’ve never denied it. Whoopie doo guys, yes, I’ve dated girls and I’ve dated boys – get over it.” And I gotta say, I like her style.
our favorite killer robot, the T-X from Terminator 3, dates girls. Painkiller Jane is into ladies. Not exclusively, so you still have a shot, but she was also part of the TV series The L Word. This could only be better if she was dating that lady from Chuck.
Alright guys, if on the off chance I didn’t make this list awesome enough, please let me know – I don’t think I missed anyone really noteworthy though. And don’t worry, I’ll have another series starting up soon entitled “Girls I Wish Were Gay” because it’s a list at LEAST 3 times longer than this one.
Hey dudes, I got a really good question from a friend and former coworker the other day. How do you go about introducing a new lady to your hobbies and interests? What’s really great is this can also translate to some of the more, erm, adult activities as well.
The best answer I can give to this question is “Go slow”. If you’re into baseball cards, if you’re into fishing or stamp collecting or model building or even taxidermy, don’t talk about it constantly, don’t DO it constantly (unless you’re a professional fisherman or taxidermist, I guess!) Relationships are hard, no doubt about that. They take a lot of work and compromise, and unfortunately a bit of sacrifice. For those of you gentlemen who haven’t managed to snag a lady that loves everything about you and your weird habits, this can cause some friction (bad friction, minds out of the gutters please).
My friend Q has a particularly interesting hobby. I don’t even know if calling it a “hobby” is the right term, but anyway, he spends a lot of his spare time preparing for the end of civilization as we know. One way or another he’s convinced modern civilization will end and we’ll all be thrown into a Mad Max-like post-apocalyptic world. He and a couple friends of his take secondhand sports equipment and whatever else they can scavenge (literally, scavenge) and make armor preparing for just such an occasion. I’ve been to these parties, it’s actually a pretty neat gig. But, neatness aside, I am guessing it’s hard to walk up to a lady he’s interested in and ask her what she’s doing for the end of the world.
So, if you’re reading this, Q, here’s some very personal advice for you. If she is into movies, which most people these days are, ask if she’s ever seen Mad Max or Waterworld (or both), propose a date night where there’s popcorn or mixed nuts or whatever. Cuddle up on the couch, and then pop these movies in. During the course of viewing, but maybe not when there’s essential action, mention casually that you love this stuff and make costumes – I would totally go the casual route, so as not to seem, you know, nuts. Since Q throws big shindigs at a local club every so often, mention that too, and invite her along. Establish this hobby as a not-totally-serious thing (like you don’t REALLY believe this is how things will turn out… Right?) If she seems willing to go along with it in a casual sense, then use your best judgment to see how much farther she’s willing to believe.
Okay, I teased you with this earlier and I should probably address it now before I get angry letters – what do you do about sexier subjects that might be a little off to most people? If you’ve got a kink and you want to date someone and be happy, you gotta tell someone. For instance, if you like being spanked, bring it up. The best approach is always honesty, and always be up-front if you’re ever asked. Obviously using your best judgment is key here, since doing this wrong could lead to some serious lack of sexytimes for you.
You know what? Now that I think about it, this should really be addressed more fully, probably in another post of its own. So that’s what I’m gonna do with that.
If you’ve got problems, which I’m sure you do, email me! firstname.lastname@example.org
Til next time, boys!