So, hypothetical situation. Let’s say you’re still friends with an ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Because, of course, everyone is friends with everyone on Facebook, and something as petty as being dumped is no reason to un-friend someone, right?
This hypothetical ex just gained a new job. Let’s say she becomes manager of a bank branch. But, here’s the issue – she keeps openly posting on Facebook about how much she needs to get laid, or how badly she wants to smoke a lot of weed. And she doesn’t use creative euphemisms!!!
What’s a guy to do? Do you politely say something like, “Maybe you should be a bit more judicious about what you post on here – your boss may end up seeing this”? Or, do you just leave it alone, because, well, they’re your EX after all and she probably stomped on your heart while wearing 4-inch heels?
Well, the Advisors have a variety of responses to this one, so let’s get into those.
Flannery said it’s not your problem; even if the relationship ended on good terms, the ex is an adult, and their judgment and their issues are their own problems. Katie actually said something similar, but took it a step further. She said, “Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason!”
I thought these were pretty interesting, not because of the vague “everyone for themselves” tones I got out of the conversation, but because it showed me that I even have a line that I don’t cross with my exes. I discovered that I don’t give unsolicited advice to my exes, so why would I tell other people they should do the same?
Then there’s the majority of my friends I spoke with, who said, “Nah, the right thing to do is to kindly point out the potential for a problem.” That, unfortunately, also appeals to me. I’m kind of big on looking out for others (my momma raised me that way!), so with an issue like this, I definitely consider giving this advice. With my friends, most will tell you that I give advice like it’s going out of style. As I stated before, I just learned that I draw the line at exes.
However, that’s not really the point. The point is the answer to the question, “What should you do?” I lied at the beginning of this post – this is not a hypothetical situation. A coworker of mine (who reads this blog, SHOUT-OUT TO HIM HERE!) asked me what he should do. What did I say?
DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!!
I said, “As long as you’re nice about it, and you make it clear there are no insidious or ulterior motives for saying it, there’s really no problem with giving a little advice on decorum.” Because really, when you break it all down, it’s a good thing to do. This could literally be a job-ending, potentially career-destroying thing. As we have all heard, you CAN get fired for things that appear on your Facebook page. So, why not try and help someone avoid that?
To summarize: while you may have bad feelings from a breakup, that does not mean you should hold your ill will over someone if it can possibly ruin their life. Don’t be a douchebag. Tell someone (NICELY) if you think they’re being inappropriate. If something ends up happening and you didn’t say anything, you’ll end up feeling like a dick. Save them, and save yourself.
I’m going to say this as simply as possible.
You ALWAYS pay for dinner.
Unless this is explicitly discussed and settled before the date, you are going to pay for the whole meal. Why?
1. Avoid Awkwardness
Have you ever been on a date with someone that you’re pretty sure is going to rock your world, only to have the check arrive and the weirdness to come out? It’s never fun and never sexy to try and split a bill. Instead of unnecessary confusion and general awkwardness for you and your date, just pay for it. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Show her you are in control
Nothing sends “I am SO in control” signals to someone like taking care of the whole check. This is almost a guaranteed lady-boner-inducer (provided you have had a good conversation/dinner/pre-dinner-bill experience!), so why not give yourself a few more points in her book and just DO it?
3. It’s impressive!
Boys who can handle spending some money without seeming like a douchebag are totally hot. Trust me. (And this is coming from someone who doesn’t usually LIKE dudes, so you KNOW I am telling the truth here). Women LOVE this kind of thing, not because it shows you can buy lots of crap on a whim, but because you have secure enough finances to have and do more elegant or nicer things. Generosity is not only impressive, but it’s VERY attractive.
Okay, here are a couple of things that you should never do. If you do them, you will not be getting any. At all. Ever.
1. NEVER (EVER EVER EVER!) ASK THE WAITER TO SPLIT YOUR CHECK
This is just as classless as trying to do it yourselves, only you’ve drawn in a third party. Some fancier establishments don’t even let you DO this, so it’s best to avoid all the nonsense and just buy dinner. The lady will see that you are serious about this date when you don’t even bat an eye about who’s paying. Seriously.
2. Skipping the tip
When you’re done with dinner, what’s the next logical step? Pay the check and leave the restaurant. Go to someone’s place, and see where the night takes you. THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION. You forgot to tip your waiter! Do not pass GO, do not get laid. This is a great way to get you noticed though – as a JERK. So don’t forget the tip. Why?
Not only does this show a girl that you know what you’re doing in a restaurant setting, but it sends the message that you care about other people. How much better can this situation be? And it’s pretty painless, once you think about it. You’ve probably already spent some cash on clothing for the date, and maybe flowers or something else, and then there’s the cost of dinner – you may as well just splurge and give your server what he or she deserves (and sometimes a little extra). Your date will appreciate the classy gesture, you will look flush but not smugly, arrogantly wealthy, and you will look sensitive to the needs and efforts of others. 20% minimum, especially in this economy. If you aren’t sure what the tip ought to be, round the bill up and do some speedy mental math. It’ll work out.
I am not saying you have to take her to an expensive place. Not at all. In fact, if you aren’t sure you can afford a certain restaurant, then don’t go there. And if you can’t afford to tip accordingly, then you really can’t afford that restaurant.
The really nice places, the SUPER DUPER “I am trying to impress you to get laid” places? They won’t have their prices on the menus. Call ahead, and be prepared.
My ladyfriend and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary yesterday. It’s been quite the ride. But really, now I am thinking, “Holy crap, where has the time gone?” And also, “How did I manage to keep this relationship together for this long?”
In case you were wondering what this actually has to do with the whole “giving guys advice” part of this blog, fear not! Here we go! I have a pretty simple relationship philosophy: don’t be an asshat. It works out pretty well. Actually listening to her when she talks, caring about her interests, trying new things just for her, gift- and card-giving; these are all covered under this rule. It also helps if you can suppress the urge to roll your eyes or say, “That’s nice, dear”.
In my experience, when you make even the smallest effort, women pick up on that. Like, they have effort-radar and the tiniest blip makes them think, “THIS IS A GOOD PERSON TO KEEP AROUND!” Seriously. It’s a little-known fact that there is a part of a woman’s brain that looks like a surveillance radar, and its sole purpose is to track the effort being made by people around them. No joke.
I’m not saying you have to go out and buy a chick flowers or chocolates or cards or cars or whatever you can afford. I’m not even saying you have to give anyone anything. A genuine, sincere compliment will get you MILES further than a contrived gift.
I’d like to point out, while I’m at it, that using these kind of tactics and NOT being a douchebag about them will get you laid. This is in no way a guarantee, but you can be a nice dude and still get some. Honestly, being nice to girls means they will think about you, and how nice you were. It also means that you’re probably more likely to get a “yes” response when you ask for a second date. I’m totally more interested, and more likely to remember, positive, conscientious behavior than boorish, drunken antics.
What I am trying to say is that they key to getting a girl’s attention, and the key to keeping it, is being a good person. Be the person you think she deserves. And then, try to be better.